Truth About Milk 牛奶背后的真相 - 2

Here's a follow-up email to the previous article:

Some pointers to share (suggested solution, or alternative diet to dairy):

1) Mother's milk is the best for babies. Parents should switch to a healthier diet and lifestyle before having a baby, and while breastfeeding, the mother should take proper care of her diet.

2) Reduce as much as possible processed foods (white rice, white flour, refined sugars and salt, and if possible, a healthy vegetarian diet is recommended, ie, real fresh vegetables and brown rice, not white rice with mock meat and fish.)

3) We do not need as much calcium as is widely recommended (refer to passage on African Bantu women's diet below).

4) Instead of loading up on calcium, reduce protein intake, especially protein from animal foods.

5) We can get more than enough calcium suitable for the human system from plant sources. Eg. brussels sprouts, carrot, broccoli, turnip, kale, black sesame seeds, dates, figs, alfafa, cabbage, lettuce, spinach, parsley, molasses, seaweed, etc... (note: spinach has to be taken raw, never cooked, as cooked spinach will aid in the formation of oxalic acid crystals in the kidneys.)

6) Take raw as much as possible. Have salads in every meal if possible. Drink fresh raw fruit and vegetable juices daily. A good start is ABC juice (apple, beet root, carrot).

Babies fed on cow's milk indeed grow. But they grow in size, not so much in intellect (refer to Chinese excerpt by Dr Jiang Shuhui below). And they develop allergies, which get better when milk is removed from the diet.

Apart from Milk Sucks that I mentioned in the last article, here is some more information:

Dr. MacDougall's Health and Medical Center:

When Friends Ask:
Where Do You Get Your Calcium?

When Friends Ask: “Why Don’t You Drink Milk?”

Marketing Milk and Disease

Dairy Products and 10 False Promises

My Favorite Five Articles Found in Recent Medical Journals

Here is more information from books that I have:

On alternatives to dairy:

"Fresh Vegetable and Fruit Juices", Dr. N. W. Walker

pgs 26-28 (Carrot Juice)

... (raw carrot juice) is a valuable aid in the improvement and maintenance of the bone structure of the teeth.

Nursing mothers should drink plenty of raw carrot juice, properly prepared, to enhance the quality of their milk, as a breast milk diet may under certain circumstances, not provide sufficient vital foods. ... One pint of carrot juice, daily, has more constructive body value than 25 pounds of calcium tablets.

... Intestinal and liver diseases are sometimes due to a lack of certain of the elements contained in properly prepared raw carrot jucie. When this is the case, than a noticeable cleaning up of the liver may take place, and the material which was clogging it may be found to dissolve. Frequently this is released so abundantly that the intestinal and urinary channels are inadequate to care for this overflow, and in a perfectly natural manner it is passed into the lymph for elimination from the body by means of the pores of the skin. This material has a distinctly orange or yellow pigment and while it is being so eliminated from the body will sometimes discolor the skin. Whenever such a discoloration takes place after drinking carrot or other juices, it is an indication that the liver is getting a well-needed cleansing.

It is NOT the carrot juice itself nor the carotene that comes through the skin, as this discoloration will take place even if the juice is filtered to the point of clearing it of all color pigment.

"Fresh Vegetable and Fruit Juices", Dr. N. W. Walker

pgs 33-34 (Celery Juice)

The greatest value of raw celery lies in the fact that it contains an exceptionally high percentage of vital organic sodium. It is one of the chemical properties of sodium to maintain calcium in solution. This is particularly the case in the human system, as we will presently see.

Raw celery contains more than four times as much vital organic sodium as it does calcium. This fact makes it one of the most valuable juices for people who have used concentrated sugars and starches more or less consistently all their lives.

... calcium is one of the most essential elements in our diet; but it must be consumed orgnaically, and through vitally ORGANIC atoms. When any calcium-containing food is cooked or processed, as in any of the above mentioned carbohydrate foods, the calcium is automatically converted into INORGANIC atoms. As such, they are not soluble in water and they cannot furnish the nourishment which the cells in our body require for regeneration.

"Fresh Vegetable and Fruit Juices", Dr. N. W. Walker

pg 67

Whenever MILK, other than Mother's Milk, is needed, RAW GOAT'S MILK is the most logical and beneficial Milk for humans of all ages to drink.

... Milk should NEVER be heated at temperatures above 118F, because at 130F the Enzymes are destroyed. We should NEVER use pasteurized milk for the same reason.

... It cannot be too strongly emphasized that for infants there is no better milk than mother's milk.

... Let me emphasize again it is best not to heat Goat's milk to more than 118F. When Goat's milk is overheated, boiled, or pasteurized, it is better poured down the drain than fed to children. If pasteurized goat's milk is fed to the kids of the goat, they will likely be dead within six months.

(my personal comment: From what I know, we can't get raw goat's milk in Singapore, only pasteurized, so this option is out for Singaporeans.)

On milk, bones, and milk's impact on human health:

"Become Younger", Dr. N. W. Walker

pg 33

In the first place, milk is intended by Nature to grow the bone structure of the particular animal from which it comes. Thus the chemical constituents of mother's milk are intended to nourish the child for a certain length of time so that its bone structure will develop eventually to what will be needed for a mature individual whose weight will be, say, 125 to 175 lbs. Cow's milk, on the other hand, contains 300% more casein than does mother's milk, and is intended to grow the calf to a maturity of about three quarters of a ton.

... the drinking of cow's milk generates unhealthy mucus in the body. This mucus lodges usually in the sinus cavities, in the breathing channels and in many other vital parts of the system. I have found that milk is almost without exception, the most mucus forming food we can put in our body.

From "The China Study" (T. Colin Campbell, PhD and Thomas M. Campbell II)

pgs 204 - 211

... In one study of ten countries, a higher consumption of calcium was associated with a higher - not lower - risk of bone fracture (Chart 10.3). Much of the calcium intake is shown in this chart, especially in high consumption countries, is due to dairy foods, rather than calcium supplements or non-dairy food sources of calcium.

... Given these findings, it seems perfectly plausible that animal protein and even calcium - when consumed at excessive levels - are capable of increasing the risk of osteoporosis. Dairy, unfortunately, is the only food that is rich in both of these nutrients.

"Diet For A New America", John Robbins

pgs 193-194

Nathan Pritikin studied the medical research on osteoporosis, and found no basis at all for the Dairy Council viewpoint:

"African Bantu women take in only 350mg of calcium per day. They bear nine children during their lifetime and breast feed them for two years. They never have calcium deficiency, seldom break a bone, rarely lose a tooth. Their children grow up nice and strong. How can they do that on 350mg of calcium a day when the (National Dairy Council) recommendation is 1200mg? It's very simple. They're on a low-protein diet that doesn't kick the calcium out of the the body... In our country, those who can afford it are eating 20% of their total calories in protein, which guarantees negative mineral balance, not only of calcium, but of magnesium, zinc, and iron. It's all directly related to the amount of protein you eat."

"Diet For A New America", John Robbins

pg 199

Quite frankly, the more I've studied the conclusions of the hundreds of studies in the medical literature, the harder it has gotten for me to abide the National Dairy Council's promotion of milk "for strong bones". In spite of its high calcium content, milk, due to its high protein content, appears actually to contribute to the accelerating development of osteoporosis. The occurence of this disease in the United States has reached truly epidemic proportions, and the promotion of dairy products as an "answer" to the suffering of millions seems, not only self-serving, but absolutely immoral and downright dishonest.

《这样吃最健康》姜淑惠医师

pgs 167-181

人奶含有两种物质成分，是牛奶所缺乏的。一是卵磷脂，属于磷脂质。一是牛胆质，属于一种氨基酸。这两种物质参与了婴儿脑部的发育，因此人奶倏关婴儿的智能，岂是牛奶可以取代？

在矿物质方面，牛奶缺乏碘、铁、磷、镁，人奶则含量丰富。

……牛奶是发育中小牛的食物，小牛出生后饮用牛奶，促使骨骼及身体重量急速发育，每个月增加一倍……但脑部发育少且慢。相反地，人类婴儿的发育，身体成熟缓慢，脑部却以最快速成长，超越所有动物。小婴儿需要六个月的时间，体重才会增加出生时的一倍大。小牛肢体骨骼快速成长，所以需要大量的蛋白质。而婴儿脑部的发育胜过肢干，需要卵磷脂及牛胆质等特别物质的辅助。现在常见如十二岁的外表，却仅有八岁智能的内涵。高大的躯干，是牛奶等高蛋白质所造成的，但相对地脑部发育，智力启发却大不如前！

……牛奶及乳制品为食物过敏的元凶。

过敏反应几乎不曾见于喂食母奶的婴幼儿。

如果母亲是乳类制品的大量消耗者，过敏反应会透过奶水的喂食，造成婴儿腹痛等疾病。

……乳类制品贩售的基本理由在于钙质的提供。事实上，世界上有许多国家的人民，他们的饮食中并没有乳制品存在，也未面临骨质疏松的侵害。而人类钙质的缺乏，导引于饮食摄取钙质不足，也极为有限。反而摄取的蛋白质愈多，骨质中流失的钙质也会愈多。

……保持体内钙质正性平衡，维持骨骼硬朗，根本政策是改变饮食内容，减少每天摄取蛋白质的量，不是增加钙质的摄取。

……总之我们要觉醒，正确的健康饮食，第一步先要断除二十一世纪的三大毒害 - 肉、蛋、奶。

Recommended readings and places you can find these books as well further information on healthy diet and lifestyle:

1) Diet For A New America, John Robbins

2) The Food Revolution, John Robbins

3) The China Study, T. Colin Campbell & Thomas M. Campbell

4) 这样吃最健康，姜淑惠医师

5) 这样养育孩子最健康，姜淑惠医师

6) Become Younger, Dr. N. W. Walker

7) Vibrant Health, Dr. N. W. Walker

8) Fresh Vegetable and Fruit Juices, Dr. N. W. Walker

9) How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of your Doctor, Robert Mendelsohn

10) The Colon Health Handbook, Robert Gray

11) The Tragedy of Nutrition, A Prelude to the Original Mucusless Diet Healing System, Professor Arnold Ehret

Suggested places the above titles can be found (other than the mainstream book stores):

Kampung Senang

Lapis Lazuli

83 Pheng Geck Avenue

Singapore 348270

Phone: (65) 6337 5183

Email: lllsing@singnet.com.sg

Fit For Life Centre

Evergreen Buddhist Culture Service Pte Ltd

NewLife International

Truth About Milk 牛奶背后的真相 - 1

An email I sent...

******

Contrary to popular belief, dairy is very bad for health. Milk is widely promoted as a bone builder, but this is far from the truth. Milk does not prevent osteoporosis, milk PROMOTES OSTEOPOROSIS. This sounds hard to believe at first, but there are many studies that have proven this. That milk helps build strong bones is one of the greatest global lies of the century.

乳制品并非一般所相信的那么有益身体，相反的，它对身体害处极大。牛奶被宣称为强健骨骼的好帮手，然而，这完全是谬论。牛奶非但不能帮助我们预防骨质疏松，还能促使我们患上这个疾病。乍听之下这确实让人难以置信，但是已经有很多研究证明了这是事实。牛奶使我们骨骼强健这一论调，是本世纪最大的全球性谎言之一。

Although milk has loads of calcium, it does not help to build strong bones. True, our body needs calcium, calcium is very important for overall health, not only for the bones. However, the calcium in milk does not get absorbed into our body. On the contrary, the more milk we drink, the more calcium our body LOSES . Why? Because milk, as well as other animal products like meat, eggs, cheese, butter, contain too much animal protein that is very difficult to digest. This protein is highly acidic. The human body needs to be in an alkaline state to maintain health, so in order to balance the ph level of the blood, our body has to draw out calcium (which is alkaline). And which part of our body holds the highest reserves of calcium? The bones! So, to prevent osteoporosis, the point is not about stocking up on calcium, it's about not losing it. In fact, we don't need as much calcium as what is commonly recommended.

虽然牛奶含有很高的钙质，但是，它不能强化骨骼。我们的身体确实需要钙质，钙质不光对骨骼很重要，对我们整体健康也扮演着举足轻重的角色。然而，牛奶的钙质无法被身体所吸收。反之，我们喝的牛奶越多，流失的钙质越多。为什么？因为牛奶，以及其他动物性食品如肉类、鸡蛋、乳酪、黄油（牛油），都含有太多人体所难以消化的动物蛋白。动物蛋白是高度酸性，健康的身体必须保持在弱碱性状态，所以为了保持血液酸碱平衡，我们身体不得不取出碱性的钙质，而我们身体含有最多钙质的组织，就是我们的骨骼。也就是说，为了预防骨质疏松，关键不在于摄取大量的钙质，而在于防止它的流失。其实，我们身体并不需要一般建议的钙质的摄取量。

Also, there are many different types of calcium. Calcium from milk isn't suitable for the human body, that is, it is not high quality calcium for the human body.

再者，钙质有许多种，牛奶所含钙质并不适合人体，对人体而言并非优等钙。

Think deeper. Milk was never a staple in asian countries until recent years, until the west started promoting it as a bone builder. If milk really is something that we cannot do without, then most of our asian forefathers would have died of osteoporosis. But the truth is, osteoporosis had never been such a big silent killer in the past. It only became such a serious disease the past century.

试想想，牛奶从来都不是亚洲文化的主要食品，直到近代西方拼命鼓吹牛奶建骨热潮，它才成为家家户户餐桌上的常客。如果牛奶真的是我们不可或缺的食物，那么我们的历代祖先绝大部分都应该是死于骨质疏松。但事实是，骨质疏松未曾是那么强大的隐形杀手，它是上世纪才成为人人惧怕的疾病。

Don't believe blindly what the mainstream culture dictates. Don't believe blindly in what the mainstream culture glorifies. If chemotherapy really can cure cancer, how could cancer cases be on the rise? If milk prevents osteoporosis, how could countries that consume the most milk have the highest incidence of osteoporosis?

不要盲目相信主流文化以及它所美化的东西。如果化疗真能治疗癌症，为什么癌症病例有增无减？如果牛奶能预防骨质疏松，为什么摄取最多牛奶的国家偏偏病例最多？

Another shocking fact is...

还有更可怕的事实：

What we learn through the media, the tv, newspapers, advertisements (including what we learn in school and from the doctors!)... are mostly controlled by the industries who profit from the sales of whatever is being promoted.

我们从电视、报纸、广告等媒体（以及学校、医生！） 所获得的资讯，很多是受一些个别工业所控制，是哪些工业？正是能从所被推销的产品获取利润的工业。

Meat is good, we learnt in school. Why? Because the meat industry, being rich and powerful, provides the education ministry the information about meat being good.

在学校，老师灌溉我们的知识是，肉类对身体有益。为什么？因为肉类工业财大力粗，提供给教育部肉类是上等食品这样的讯息。

Milk is good for the bones, we learn from newspapers, tv advertisements, doctors... Why? Because the milk industry is a very highly profitable industry, there's no stopping them to make more and more money through the media!

报纸、电视广告、医生，都告诉我们，牛奶对骨骼很好。为什么？因为牛奶工业利润极高，他们企图通过媒体获得更多更多的财富这股欲望，是挡也挡不住。

This and that drug is good for this and that disease, the doctors tell us. Why? Because the drug industry, which again is rich and powerful and want more money and power, sell their products through the doctors! But what happens after we take the medicines prescribed? Our ailment seems to heal, but we get more other ailments, and the ailment that initially was 'treated' comes back again later!

医生告诉我们，这个或者那个新药对这个或者那个疾病有帮助。为什么？因为制药工业也是财大力粗，也渴望拥有更多的财力与权力，它们通过医生，贩卖它们的产品。但是我们吃下所开的药方以后怎么样呢？病痛似乎好转，但是取而代之的是其他更多的疾病，而原来以为已经打败了的病魔日后却东山再起！

Why do methods like fasting not get acknowledgement from the government and 'othordox' medical profession? Because nobody gets any profit or benefits, only patients themselves, there's no economic value!

为什么其他如断食等方法，从来都不被政府以及所谓的正统医学所承认？因为这样的方法，除了病人以外，没有人可以从中捞取利润，这些方法毫无经济效益！

I probably sound like someone out of my mind, someone out to defame. But my dear, I tell you all these because I feel so very sad that the vast majority of us are blinded from the truth. And since we haven't known each other for long, I can only hope that you trust that I'm not someone who enjoys speaking ill of others or injecting fear in people, or in causing unnecessary doubts.

也许我听起来像一个疯子，一个旨在诽谤他人的疯子。但是，我之所以告诉你这一切，是因为我对于绝大部分的人都被蒙蔽，都得不到正确的资讯，而感到非常难过。我们相识也不算久，我只能希望你愿意相信我绝不是个爱搬弄是非、危言耸听的人，让人内心产生恐惧或困惑，我不会感到好受。

Why does the government not protect us from these lies, you might think. Well, it is now a well known fact that cigarettes can kill us. But why does the government still allow sales of cigarettes? It brings in money, Money, MONEY! I'm not anti government, I don't care about politics. But we should be aware that every phenomenon in society has a reason. And the reason why so many times, so many truths are hidden from us is, there are interested parties who profit too much, who are too powerful to be offended, who do not want us to know too much.

你可能会感到不解，为什么政府不保护我们，不为我们揭发谎言，厘清真相？吸烟可以致命，这是众所周知的事实。但是为什么政府依然许可香烟贸易？因为它是财神，保证财运亨通！我并不是反政府分子，我对政治没有一丝一毫的兴趣。但是我们必须明白，社会上每一个现象，都有其发生的原因。而很多时候，我们总是看不到真相的原因，就是因为背后有许多能从中获取太多利益的集团，不希望我们平民百姓了解太多，而它们的势力却是强大不可侵犯。

One more simple fact to consider. Why do cows have milk? Do they always, 24 hrs a day, throughout their lifetime, have lots of milk? Of course not. Just like we human females cannot produce milk as and when we like, cows can't either. When do they have milk? When they have babies. That means, nature intended cow's milk for calves, for the cow's babies. Even calves, once they have grown to a certain age, stop drinking milk from their mothers. Cow's milk was never meant for humans. No other animal drinks milk from another species from cradle to grave as religiously as us humans. No other animals, whom we humans consider lowly beasts, do something so silly, so laughable, so absurd. No other animals, instead of feeding their own offsprings with their own milk, feed them with milk from another species.

我们还应当思惟一个非常简单的道理。母牛为什么会有牛奶？它们是否一生中的每时每刻，都有很多奶？当然不是。它们跟我们人类女性一样，不可能无时无刻想产奶就产奶。那它们什么时候才能产奶？当它们生宝宝的时候。也就是说，大自然的规则是，母牛的奶，是为了哺育它们的小牛才能分泌出来。即便是小牛，到了一定年龄，也都会断奶。牛奶从来都不是给人喝的。地球上没有一个动物像人类一样，打从出母胎开始一直到入坟墓之际，都那么一本正经地喝着别的动物的奶。我们人类所蔑视为低等的动物，没有一个会干这么愚蠢，这么可笑，这么无聊的事情。没有一个动物，会白白浪费了自己所分泌的奶汁，而以别的动物的奶哺育自己的新生儿。

Since cow's milk was never intended for us humans, it follows quite naturally that we can't digest cow's milk. So many new allergies have developed since the past century. Many allergies are naturally cured once the sufferer takes milk and other dairy products off his diet. Milk is highly mucus forming, milk is toxin to the human body, milk is something that our body tries to expel through all kinds of new allergies and illnesses.

既然牛奶本来就不是给人喝的，很自然地，我们人体无法好好消化牛奶。上世纪开始出现了许多过敏症，而这些过敏症，有很多是患者一旦停止饮食牛奶以及其他乳制品，就不药而愈。牛奶让人体产生大量粘液，对人体而言是毒素，是人体力图通过各种过敏症和疾病排除出来的异物。

Another reason why I avoid milk and other dairy products:

我尽量避免摄取牛奶及其他乳制品的另一原因是：

As I said, cow's milk is intended for the cow's babies. But, we humans want her to produce milk for us, so we impregnate the cow, we force her to become pregnant again and again and again. Well, we know how tough it is to undergo pregnancy, imagine your whole life dedicated to being pregnant repeatedly, non-stop. And then what happens after she gives birth to her baby? Her baby is forced to leave her immediately. Mother and baby cry for each other. The mother wants so badly to nurse her child, and the child wants so badly to be cared for by its mother. But we humans force them to live apart.

正如我刚才所说，牛奶是给牛宝宝喝的。但是，我们人类要它为我们产奶，所以我们不停让它受孕。我们都知道，怀孕是个非常辛苦的过程，能不能想象，一生不停地不停地怀孕，是多么难受？而生了宝宝以后又是怎样的光景？母子相互呼喊着对方，母亲渴望哺育孩子，孩子等待着母亲的呵护，然而，它们却被迫分离。我们人类，强行把产后的一对一对的母子分离。

This is old information to me, but the thought of this still makes me cry. I don't have a child myself, but as women, we all have motherly instincts. How could we bear to separate a mother and her child?!

这对我而言不是新讯息，但是，想到这样的情景，我还是禁不住流泪。我自己没有孩子，但是，身为女人，我们都有与生俱来的母性，强迫母子骨肉分离，这到底让人于心何忍？！

And then what happens after this? If the baby is female, she will suffer the same fate as her mother. If it is male, he will go straight to a little pen where he is not allowed to move AT ALL. Why is he not allowed to move? So that he does not develop muscles. And why is he not allowed to develop muscles? Because he is to be sent to be slaughtered as a young calf with especially tender meat, that is, he will be sold as veal meat. This baby bull's meat is highly prized, people say this is good precious meat because it is so tender. Meat from such gentle beings that have been tortured since birth, that are nutritionally deficient through and through. These poor babies, when they are finally forced to walk to the slaughter house, can't even walk properly. Good quality meat? How insane can humans be?

而这以后又如何？如果宝宝是母的，它就会跟它母亲遭受同样的命运。如果是公的，就马上被带到一个让它动弹不得的小小的围栏。为什么要让它动弹不得？因为要让它不能产生肌肉。为什么它不可以产生肌肉？因为它日后要被送到屠宰厂，当作嫩小牛肉来售卖。这牛宝宝的肉非常珍贵，人们说这是上等肉，因为它是那么嫩。这是一生下来就被折磨得营养极度缺乏的极为温驯的动物的肉。这些可怜的宝宝，它们终于可以走动的时候，就是被送往屠宰厂的时候，到了那一刻，它们营养缺乏得根本不能好好行走。这就是所谓的上等好肉吗？人类究竟能疯狂到什么地步？

Cows, if let to live naturally, can live till 20 years of age. But at factory farms, they typically die after 5 years. We often hear of mothers complaining how laborous it is to pump out milk from their breasts for their babies. If it is so tough even for your very own child, imagine what kind of hell the cows go through their whole life. Being forced to have babies, then forced to abandon their babies, and then being forced to give their milk that was intended for the baby they carried for 9 months, to us humans who do nothing kind to them except endless exploitation and cruelty. We can only imagine how much they suffer their whole lives, physically, mentally, psychologically.

牛正常的寿命可以长达20年。但是在动物工厂，它们一般5年就已经死去。我们常常听到周围的母亲抱怨给宝宝挤奶是多么辛苦。如果为自己的亲生婴儿挤奶都那么难受，我们能不能想象，母牛一生到底经历的是怎么样的地狱般的痛苦？它们被迫怀孕，生下孩子又被迫把亲生骨肉抛弃，然后还被迫把为怀胎九月的宝宝分泌的奶汁，送给对它们只有无尽的暴行的人类。它们生理、心理、精神上所饱受的痛苦，我们是无法想象的。

See how everything is interlinked? The meat industry, the dairy industry, the veal industry, and our incessant demand for them, they're all intricately linked. The cruelty of factory farms is endless, and is hard to believe. My heart aches for the poor suffering helpless animals. Which is why I choose to be vegetarian, now 99 percent vegan (no animal products, including dairy). The lesser the demand, the lesser the supply, the lesser the suffering. I don't want to be connected to such cruel livelihood. I live with a better conscience, and much much better health!

肉类工业、乳制品工业、小牛肉工业，还有我们对它们无止境的需求，这一切都有着密不可分的联系。动物工厂的残暴行径无穷无尽，超乎想象。我为那些受苦的无助可怜的动物感到悲痛。所以我选择了素食，现在我几乎是全素(vegan，即不摄取和利用任何动物食品或产品，包括乳制品)。需求越少，供应就越少，痛苦也越少。我不希望跟那么惨酷的生活方式有任何挂钩。我良心好受一些，身体健康许多！

Nature intended us intelligent humans to protect helpless beings, it intended us to be healthy with the abundance of fruit and vegetables it has, throughout timeless history, created and nurtured for us. Yet we exploit the helpless beings we should protect, and end up harming ourselves.

人类遵循自然的法则，理当保护弱者，大自然从无始以来授予我们无穷的丰硕的蔬果，人类应当是身心健康，然而我们对我们有义务保护的生命却是无尽的欺凌，到头来反而伤害的是自己。

Don't believe blindly in what the mainstream culture glorifies and packages nicely as the 'norm'. It's time we learn the cruel truths, it's time we take charge of our own destiny, it's time we use wisely, intelligently, and with true compassion, the power we are endowed with, and help bring about a better tomorrow, for the animals, for our future generations, for the earth which has given us so much.

不要轻易相信主流文化所标榜的所谓正常的生活习惯。此刻，是我们看清残酷的真相，掌握自身的命运，以智慧、慈悲，还有我们与生俱来被赋予的力量，为动物，为下一代，以及为养育了我们的地球，创造一个美好的明天的时候。

Some related articles and websites:

以下是一些相关网页：

http://www.milksucks.com/osteo.asp

http://www.meat.org/

内关再思 Vipassana Afterthought

十天闭关，让我深深体会何谓习惯。人果真是习惯的奴隶！

The 10 days of retreat made me realize what the term 'habit' actually means. How we are indeed slaves to our habits.

十天当中，拼命以熟悉的方式摆脱烦恼。吃饭、散步，甚至是平时不常做的开关行李包这样的动作，跟禅修比起来，跟关照自己的内心比起来，对我来说都相对熟悉得多，所以都相对让我感到较为安适。

I had been trying real hard to shake off my frustration by way of clinging on to my old habits. Eating, walking, and even an action such as zipping up my bag which I don't usually do much, all seemed to be more familiar to me compared to meditation, to looking at myself within. So in contrast they made me feel more at ease.

前些天颇为焦虑，告诉自己观察焦虑的自己，观察自己的焦虑，然而自己早已全然沉浸在焦虑当中，该如何客观地观察？因为这样的做法，我还不习惯，所以做起来才那么困难吧。后来我尝试转念，提醒自己，一切都有因有果，是什么就是什么，而且无论发生什么事，观音菩萨长半左右。大概这样的转念方法我比较熟悉吧，似乎马上有些见效。抑或是我还没有勇气面对自己，总想依赖佛菩萨？

I was in a fit of anxiety the other day, and told myself repeatedly to just observe my anxiety, observe the anxious me, but I was already completely immersed in the anxiety itself, how could I be the objective observer? It must be that I've not yet cultivated the habit of observing myself in my negative emotions, so it was such a difficult task. Later I turned to turning my thoughts. I told myself that every phenomenon is merely the law of cause and effect at work, whatever will be will be, and that no matter what happens, Chenrezig is always with me. Perhaps this is a method that I'm more familiar with, it seemed to work somehow. Or perhaps I've yet the courage to face myself, it's so much easier to turn to the Buddhas.

还有一个相当意外的发现。以前，每当我大吃大喝的时候，总是一边吃一边觉得不该，且吃后也懊悔。然而那天处在焦虑当中的我，却在伸手取食之前，清楚看到这样的一个念头：吃了东西我就不再焦虑了……

And I had a pretty surprising discovery. In the past, whenever I had a compulsive eating attack, I would be pushing food into my mouth while telling myself that I shouldn't be doing so, and after the whole episode I would find myself feeling so wretched and sorry. But that day, in the midst of my anxiety, just before I reached out for food, I could see a thought that said, eat dear, and you'll be released from all this misery.

过去，怎么从来没有看到这样的思惟？这样的习惯，就如酗酒的人借酒消愁吧？过去，只知道狂吃时的自己正在有意识地残害自己，却没发现这也是我企图让自己解脱的方式，尽管这是错误的方式。

Why hadn't I ever seen such a thought so clearly before? This form of habit must be akin to that of alcoholics drowning themselves in drinks. I had always known somehow that I was being consciously unkind to myself whenever I couldn't stop eating, but it hadn't occured to me that I was also trying to save myself from unpleasant emotions, even though the method wasn't quite right.

一切都是习惯啊。

It's all habit, isn't it!

所谓修行，其实就是改掉旧的不良的习气，培养新的优良的习气，不是吗？

Put simply, spiritual practice is just the dismantling of old negative habits, and cultivating new positive habits. Isn't it?

闭关初体验 My First Vipassana Retreat

日前参加十日内观静坐闭关，上星期天刚出关。哇，什么闭关出关的，真有点修行人的味道，装模作样，哈哈哈！

I have just come back from 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat. Haha, I sound like a real practitioner don't I?

不过，这真的是闭关，而且闭关真的很不简单。我竟然参加了，而且平安出关了，我真的觉得自己……太了不起了！

But this was a real retreat, and indeed, a retreat truly isn't some easy feat. I joined one, and even came out in one piece! I can't help feeling I've really done something awesome.

这闭关跟素食没什么关系，但是我想，健康既然是身、心、灵三方面的平衡，那也算契入我部落格的主题吧？而且，我觉得内观静坐的理念跟断食很接近，我亲身体验过断食的利益，所以很能接受内观的方法。当我们把杂念去掉，停止往内心继续输入垃圾，那么堆积如山的累劫累世的业，就能一一浮现出来。而我们如果对之不起任何习惯性反应，就如同断食的时候，对排毒现象不恐惧，不施与药物把它压抑下去，那么，浮现上来的负面的能量，就能一一被净化。虽然葛印卡老师用的是开刀手术的比喻，但是我基本上是个不怎么赞同开刀手术的人，所以就以断食的理念来解析。断食是身体自我康复之道，内观静坐则是心灵自我解脱之法门。

This retreat has nothing much to do with vegetarianism, but well, since health is the overall balance of the body, mind and spirit, it wouldn't be too far away from the theme of my blog I thought. Also, I feel that the logic of Vipassana meditation is very similar to that of fasting. I've felt the benefits of fasting myself, so I find it easy to take to the Vipassana method. When we remove the stray thoughts in our mind, that is, stop the input of mental garbage, then the deeply embedded defilements that we have accumulated would surface. As long as we do not face them with our old habitual responses, just as how we do not suppress our physical symptoms with medication during a fast, then the negativities that have surfaced will be purified. Mr. Goenka used the analogy of a surgery, but basically I'm not a surgery person, so I prefer to understand it in terms of a fast. While fasting is the way to healing the body, Vipassana is the path of liberating the mind from all unhappiness.

本来呢，因为我在静坐方面实在是连大门都没踏入的门外汉，是糟透的坏学生，没什么资格跟人分享，但是我又想，总也有人跟我差不多，总会有人在门口徘徊不前，把我这初学者真实的体验，真实的感受跟大家分享，也能给一些初学者提供些许的参考吧？内观的方法，不限于佛教徒，任何宗教任何信仰的人，都能学习。

I'm only a beginner in meditation, an utterly terrible student in fact, so I'm in no position to share anything actually, but I thought, there must also be people who are like me or people who are contemplating to try this method. Perhaps my sharing could be encouragement from a beginner to other beginners? Vipassana isn’t something just for Buddhists, it’s for anybody of any religion.

因为已经过去一段时间了，而且在里头的日子几乎每天一样，记忆已经有些模糊，但我尽量如实记述。

Because quite a few days have passed, and life in the retreat was basically the same everyday, so things have kind of become foggy in my mind, but the following is a record of how I felt, to the best of my memory.

第〇天：

Day 0:

我们从新加坡坐车抵达马来西亚关丹，到内观中心大约是傍晚5点多。报上名字，把手机等交上去以后，就到各自的寝室。一进去，有一点意外，一点失望，虽然只是那么那么一丁点，但那感受毕竟生起了。哟，房间这么小啊……。其实这是个很好的地方，只是，因为听很多人说关丹中心的环境多好多好，内心把这地方美化了。哎小姐，这是闭关耶，你道是度假吗？真是岂有此理……

We took a bus from Singapore to Kuantan, Malaysia, and by the time we reached the Vipassana Centre, it was already about half past 5 in the evening. We did the registration, handed our mobile phones over, and went into our separate rooms. As soon as I stepped in, I felt a slight tinge of disappointment, even though the feeling was only very mild. Oh, what a small room... Well, it really was a very wonderful place, the problem was that I had heard too many positive comments about the place, so in my mind I had carved an awfully beautiful picture of it, a little overdone. Hey, you're here for a meditation retreat, not a holiday retreat dear.

有个洋小姐，我一见她就生起仰慕之心。这姑娘是光头的。而且剃光了头，好看之极。我也时不时有剃光头发的念头，但是总想，我头型奇怪，剃光头肯定很难看。自我意识那么重，还剃什么光头！但是这洋小姐之所以让我钦佩，不只是因为光头，更因为她渗透出一股气定神闲，安详和谐，从容不迫，和蔼可亲的气质。我什么时候能修得像她那样呢？

There was a Caucasian girl whom I liked the moment I saw her. Her head was shaved bald, and she looked lovely. Many times I've contemplated shaving my head too, but I don't have a nice round head, so I'd look pretty weird with no hair. Too much self consciousness, no way I can manage to chop off my hair I suppose... But what attracted me wasn't just her bald head. She emitted such an aura of calm serenity and gentle warmth, I wondered when I would reach her state of tranquility.

晚上睡得不是很好。迷迷糊糊快入眠之际，感到如波浪般侵袭而来的相当剧烈的惶恐，内心似乎在叫喊，这精神的排毒，以后再做吧……也不清楚是不是已经入了梦境。

I didn't sleep very well that night. I was almost asleep, when I felt sudden huge waves of panic. Within me I seemed to feel a strong urge to push away any purification that might come. Leave it till later, leave it till later... I don't know if I was already dreaming then.

第一天：

Day 1:

我们的作息时间如下：

Our daily schedule was as follows:

4点起身

4 am morning call

4点半~6点半在禅堂或房间静坐

4:30am~6:30am meditation in the dharma hall or in our own rooms

6点半吃早餐、休息

6:30am~8am breakfast and rest

8点~9点在禅堂静坐

8am~9am meditation in the hall

9点~11点在禅堂或房间静坐

9am~11am meditation in the hall or in our rooms

11点~1点吃午餐、休息
11am~1pm lunch and rest

1点~2点半在禅堂或房间静坐
1pm~2:30pm meditation in the hall or in our rooms

2点半~3点半在禅堂静坐

2:30pm~3:30pm meditation in the hall

3点半~5点在禅堂或房间静坐

3:30pm~5pm meditation in the hall or in our rooms

5点~6点茶点（水果或饮料）
5pm~6pm tea break (fruit and/or drink) and rest

6点~7点在禅堂静坐

6pm~7pm meditation in the hall

7点~8点半听葛印卡老师录音开示

7pm~8:30pm discourse by Mr. Goenka (recording) in the hall

8点半~9点在禅堂静坐

8:30pm~9pm meditation in the hall

9点~有疑问者向助理老师请益，否则睡觉！

9pm~Q & A with the supervising teachers, or SLEEP!! if you have no questions

4点，钟声响了。4点半以前我乖乖地进入了禅堂。闭上眼睛开始静坐，很快就感到一阵晕眩，大概持续3分钟左右吧。啊，灵性排毒来了来了，来吧来吧，哈哈……大概只是因为睡眠不足吧，无聊……

The morning bell struck at 4am. By 4:30, I was in the meditation hall. Very soon after I closed my eyes to meditate, I felt a spinning sensation in my head that persisted for about 3 minutes. Oh, here comes the purification, I've been waiting for you!... Oops, it was just my lack of sleep I guess, LOL.

尽管睡得不够，但是头一个小时还相当精神，但是到了第二个小时，就开始昏沉了。到了9点~11点那场，助理老师说新生可以选择回寮房继续用功，开心得不得了。因为，我要回去睡觉。

Despite having too little sleep, I felt pretty alert during the 1st hour. But by the 2nd hour, I was starting to doze off. As we began the 9am session, the supervising teachers said that new students were allowed to go back to our rooms to continue the meditation practice. I was so happy. I was looking forward to a chance to get back to sleep.

昨天我们受了五戒（旧生八戒），老师也几番提醒不可破戒，不可不遵守闭关规矩，我想，睡觉跟戒律或者规矩好像没什么关系吧，反正我眼皮已经管不了这么多了……一到房间，倒下就呼呼大睡，将近11点，突然惊醒，哦，吃饭时间呐！太高兴了……

We had just taken the 5 precepts (or 8 precepts for old students) the day before and Mr. Goenka had repeatedly reminded us not to break the precepts or the rules of the retreat. I wondered if sleeping was considered flouting of the rules, but anyway, my eyelids couldn't be bothered anymore. And so as soon as I reached my room, I fell into a deep slumber. Just slightly before 11am, I woke up with a start, oh, it's lunch time soon! Haha, a time worth celebrating...

下来的几天，除了睡觉以外，吃饭时间是我唯一的期待，唯一的寄托。简直像动物。本来打算守八关斋戒，过午不食。（新生可以吃水果喝饮料，旧生必须过午不食，只能喝柠檬水。）但是，5点，进入食堂，看着那香蕉，我就想，这可是我能在闭关中心吃晚餐的唯一的一次，傻瓜，不吃白不吃。

For the days that followed, apart from bed time, meal times were the only times I looked forward to. I lived like an animal, didn't I? I had considered observing the 8 precepts actually, which entailed not having meals after noon time. (New students were allowed fruit and drinks, but old students could only have simple drinks like lemon juice.) But as I entered the canteen at 5pm and saw the bananas, I thought to myself, hey, this would be the one and only time you can have dinner during a Vipassana retreat, why be silly and deprive yourself of this one and only time dinner treats?

我这决定想必是正确的。因为，我的精神状态，根本不能守八关斋戒。每天，6点半的早餐，11点的午餐，5点的茶点，我几乎都是头几个先到食堂的人，等着吃饭的铃声响起、食堂的大门开启。来得最早，吃得最多，走得最晚。本来就是恐龙般的胃口，但是在那里的日子，我简直狼吞虎咽，看着一些慢慢咀嚼的同修，无地自容啊，不觉想，自己不是细嚼慢咬型吗？虽然我不是因为觉知着每一口而吃得慢，而是动作本来就慢，同时又胡思乱想没活在当下所以慢……每次到了吃饭时间，就感到高兴，感到一种解脱，但是一吃完，就又陷入不知所措。下来的时间，到底该如何度过呢？

My decision proved correct, or so I think. Because I was in such dire mental states, observing the 8 precepts didn’t seem quite possible. Everyday, I would be one of the few to reach the canteen just seconds before the bell struck for meals, and waited there for the door to open. I probably ate the most, and most of the times was one of the last few to leave. As it is I have a big appetite, but during the retreat, I felt like I was devouring like a beast. Some of the retreatants seemed to be really putting their practice into every action, the slow and mindful way they ate made me so ashamed of myself. Aren't you a slow eater by nature? Yeah, I've always been slow, but it's never been because of my being mindful of every mouthful, but because I'm naturally slow at everything, and also because I've too many stray thoughts, my mind is everywhere when I eat, that's why I've always been slow. But anyway, I ate lots, and was very fast. Whenever meal time was approaching, I would turn happy and feel a sense of relief. But as soon as I finished the last bite, I would fall back into a state of uneasiness. How was I to spend the rest of the time?

闷、死、了。

I was bored to death.

不，“闷”根本不足以形容我的情绪。那几天的日子，简直像过山车一样，情绪起起落落。槟中老师的形容太恰当了：情绪排山倒海地来。上上下下，非常难受。说实在，现在我已经不能真切地回想起那时候的感受了。人真是健忘，过了逆境，回到顺境，就把那么真实体验过的痛苦抛在脑后了。到底那时候是怎么个痛苦法呢？

No, boredom can't describe the emotions I felt. The days in the retreat were more like a roller coaster ride, my emotions came and went in waves. Just like how BZ has always described how this retreat might be turn out to be for some people. My mood swings were pretty severe I think, and I felt terrible. But actually by now I can't really recall how I had felt exactly. How forgetful the human mind is, once we've gotten ourselves out of the rut and back to our comfortable lives, the suffering that had seemed so real are forgotten!

烦躁、烦乱、烦闷！除了烦还是烦。有什么好烦呢？顿顿饭有人免费提供，好吃好住，除了坐下来观察呼吸以外没有别的任务，世上还有比这更清闲更舒服的日子吗？

I was totally vexed, absolutely frustrated. What was there to be upset about? Every meal was taken care of, I had a nice room to sleep in, and they were all for free! All I had to do was watch my breath. Where else could I find such a heaven?

关键可能就在于静坐做得如何了。一闭上眼，杂念纷飞，思绪不断，真实经历过的、自己虚构的故事，一个接着一个不停地、不停地、不停地涌现。

The problem was in watching the breath itself. Once my eyes were closed, thoughts fluttered about, they rushed in endlessly. Scenes of real happenings, stories that I made up myself, they all came non-stop, again and again and again.

杂念如大浪般不断向我冲来已经有点喘不过气来了，我还对中文翻译的发音和用词吹毛求疵，这里发音错了，那里词语搭配不恰当，甚至连葛印卡老师带领我们静坐的声音，也让我听着烦得不得了。我都静不下来了怎么还在讲，还在讲，怎么还不停，还不停？更受不了的是，那唱诵！那印度式的唱诵！我向来听不下印度曲，看不惯印度舞，如今，一天好几遍不停地不停地听，天啊，怎么从来没有人提起有这样的唱诵？我听得快要发疯了！我丝毫没有贬损印度文化的意思，但是，那种音乐我就是听了感到全身极度不舒服，我也不知道为什么。是不是我跟印度结下了什么恶缘？可能就想有些人看到中文就反感一样？

As it is, I was feeling pretty much overwhelmed by all the stray thoughts that came in like strong huge waves. And yet I had to give myself more trouble by picking faults with the Chinese interpreter – on his pronunciation and on the choice of words used. Even Mr. Goenka’s voice was irritating. I’m already finding it so tough to concentrate on my meditation, would you please keep your instructions short and sweet? Why is it going on and on and on? And the worst part – the chanting! That Indian style chanting! I’d never liked Indian music nor Indian dance, now I had to listen to it repeatedly everyday! Goodness! I wondered how come nobody had ever mentioned that there was such chanting, I was going crazy listening to it all day long. I have not the slightest intention to speak ill of Indian culture, but I just find it disturbing to listen to such music, I don’t understand this either. Did I have some bad karmic links with India? Perhaps it’s something similar to how some people feel a natural aversion to Chinese characters? (Agree Winnie?)

观察呼吸，观察呼吸，观察呼吸……

Watch your breath, watch your breath…

黄小姐，这么简单的指示，你怎么都遵从不了？！？！

Why can’t you follow such a simple instruction!?

腿很麻。腿很疼。受不了啊！

My legs are so numb. They hurt so much! Oh I just can’t stand it.

于是，静坐的时候，我时不时变换姿势。变换姿势的时候，很自然地，我睁开眼睛，东张西望。一会儿看看后面的挂钟，一会儿看看其他同修们，一会儿抱着双腿明目张胆地胡思乱想。有一两回，发现女助理老师也睁大着圆圆的双眼看着我。

And so during the sessions, I would keep changing my posture. While I did so, naturally I would open my eyes, and then I would grab the chance to look all around me. Sometimes I would glance at the clock behind me. Sometimes I would watch how the others were doing. And sometimes, I would simply brazenly entertain my wild thoughts with my eyes open. Once or twice, I caught sight of the female teacher looking at me with wide round eyes.

下午3点半的时段，轮到我们新生被特别交待留下来了，轮流到老师面前，向老师报告我们的情况。

During the 3pm session, new students were specifically told to stay in the hall. We went up three by three to report to the teachers how we were doing.

“方麒……”

“Fangqi”

哎哟，虽然是很温柔和善的声音，还是把我吓了我一跳，竟然把我的名字也记住了！除了问我观察呼吸的情况如何以外，老师竟然还特别吩咐，不要睁开眼睛……天啊，坏学生被盯上了！我腿麻换姿势啊，换姿势也不能挣开眼睛吗？对。可是我很烦啊。不要跟着思绪跑，念头来就来，走就走。唉，我心里想，这道理槟中老师也反复教过，我知道啊，我明白啊，我晓得啊，不过……可是……但是……哪儿这么容易嘛！

Gosh, what a shock. Although it was a gentle voice, still I was a little taken aback. She was calling me by my name! Apart from asking me how I was doing with observing my breath, she specifically told me not to open my eyes. Oops… the naughty student has been black listed… But my legs feel numb, and I need to change my posture, can’t I open my eyes then? No. But I feel so frustrated. Don’t follow your thoughts, just observe them coming and going. Sigh. These I know, BZ has been reminding us repeatedly, I know, I know. But… how can it be so easy!

第二天：

Day 2:

4点，钟声响起，我打算偷懒不去，继续睡觉。反正4点半那场，是可以在房间自己用功的。念头甫落，墙头突然传来一阵唧唧唧唧、唧唧唧唧，好大好大的壁虎的叫声，真像是很坚定地毫不心软地催促我起身。不会吧？别理它，继续睡！可是马上耳边就传来嗡嗡嗡、嗡嗡嗡，天啊，连蚊子菩萨也赶来叫醒我。

Again, the bell struck at four. I thought I would be lazy, continue sleeping and skip the session. The 4:30 session could be done in the room anyway. But just then, I heard the chirping of a lizard from above, terribly loud and clear, as if it was yelling at me to wake up. Oh it can’t be telling me to get up, I’m continuing to sleep… But then now came the buzzing of a mosquito by my ear. I couldn’t believe it, ok, perhaps I really should take it that they are my spiritual guides making sure I’m not slacking.

基本上第一和第二天都过得差不多，同样是烦躁，烦乱，烦闷。我变得越来越沮丧。

Basically the second day was pretty much like the first. I was still as vexed and frustrated. And I had become depressed too.

每一场静坐结束的时候，一大半的学员都非常恭敬地合掌礼拜。方麒，你不能不感恩，你不能这么傲慢！但是，我就是生不起丝毫感恩之心。我就是烦，烦，烦，讨厌，讨厌，讨厌！

Every time when a sitting ended, many of the retreatants would put their palms together and bow down reverently. I said to myself, you have to feel grateful, you have to stop being so arrogant! But I simply couldn’t sense any feeling of gratitude, all I could feel was frustration and annoyance.

方麒啊方麒。每天在家里让你早晚做个十来分钟，你都这么辛苦了，竟然还指望让十日的闭关把你好好修理一番？这不是异想天开自讨苦吃吗？你要想好好度过下来的八九天，就请你好好用功吧。反正不努力静坐，在这地方你还能干什么？你来这里为的是什么？为的是这么烦躁地过日子吗？你不能不好好享受这段日子啊，你不能把这宝贵的时光浪费了啊，你不能不喜欢静坐啊，你必须爱上静坐啊！！！但是情绪就是转不过来。

Dear Fangqi, just 10 minutes of meditation 2 times a day was already too much for you, and you thought a 10 day retreat would create magic? Aren’t you being too naïve, aren’t you asking for trouble? If you want to have better days ahead, you’d better buck up. You’re stuck here anyway, what can you do except meditate? What are you here for? To spend the days in frustration? You’d better enjoy yourself and stop wasting such precious time! You’ve got to fall in love with meditation! But no matter what I said to myself, I just couldn’t turn my emotions around.

闭关期间，我们必须严守神圣的禁语，不但不能跟任何一个同修说话，而且也不可以打手势或者做眼神交流。我本来就沉默寡言，平时让我多说话反而有点困难，所以这方面我并没有担心。但是今天，我发现有点辛苦。5点，我给自己倒薏米水，竟然倒了一桌子的薏米水，自觉笨手笨脚很可笑，很自然嘴角就露出微笑，想给排在后面的人也倒一杯，反正茶壶都要提起来的嘛，顺便嘛。谁知道对方一脸严肃不让我倒，啊，严守禁语呢！唉。还有，有时候突然抬头跟人四目相交，很自然地就想微笑，偏偏还得装作没看到，啊，有点烦。连微笑这习性反应也得去除？！

During the retreat, we were supposed to observe Noble Silence. That meant not talking with fellow meditators, not signaling with gestures, nor having any eye contact. I’ve always been a quiet person, so this wasn’t something I was worried about. But today, I realized this was something tricky. During the 5pm break, as I was pouring myself some barley drink, I made a mess of it and the water spilled all over. I thought, oh you clumsy girl, and kind of laughed in silence. I thought of filling up the mug of the retreatant behind me, it’s no trouble at all, I’ve to lift up the kettle anyway. However, she wore a stern look and didn’t allow me to do it for her. Oh, the noble silence! Sigh. And when occasionally I looked up and found my eyes interlocking with someone else’s, naturally I wanted to smile. But we had to pretend that our eyes hadn’t met. Oh, so this habitual response has to be eradicated too?!

第三天：

Day 3:

不知道为什么，这天早上我觉得分外开心。静坐也做得比较顺利，吃早饭时也莫名地感到开心，啊，看来有好转的迹象了！

For some reason unknown to me, I felt so happy today. Even the meditation practice went well. And then during breakfast, I felt so light hearted. Aha, things are looking good!

但是，天有不测风云！无常啊！

But alas… the unexpected always happens when you’re off your guard. Such is the nature of life, impermanence!

下午那几场是我最难熬的。因为天气实在太热了。热得一身粘粘的，难受极了。这天，我同样地很难受地熬过了1点那场。因为昨天，男老师2点半进来以后，风扇就都打开了，所以今天，我期待着老师2点半进来以后会为我们解除痛苦。

The afternoon sittings were always very tough for me. Because the weather was simply too hot. I would be wet and sticky from perspiration, and this made me very uncomfortable. Today, again, I pulled through the 1pm session with much discomfort. Because on the second day, as soon as the male teacher entered the hall at 2:30pm, all the fans were switched on, so today, I was looking forward to his coming in to release us from our suffering.

2点半，老师进来了。可谁知道，我的救星非但没帮我把其余的风扇打开，竟然还把开着的风扇关小……我愣住了，无法相信，救星摇身一变成了克星！不只是我一个人感到热啊，大家都汗流浃背，要么不停地擦汗，要么不停地用衣服扇身体，老师你这是怎么搞的嘛！虽然说内观静坐不鼓励开风扇，虽然说风扇会影响我们观察身体的感受，虽然说接受不愉快的感受本来就是我们要学习的课题，但是！但是！但是！我们是新生，我们还没有修得圆满的平等心，我本来就够烦了，心本来就静不下来了，这么热，叫我怎么静坐，怎么静坐，你分明在考验我不是？！

At 2:30pm, the teacher came in. But things didn’t go as I had wished. Not only did my savior not switch on the rest of the fans, he turned down the others that were on! I couldn’t believe my eyes and stared in amazement. My savior had become my enemy! It wasn’t just me who was suffering from the heat, everybody was soaked in sweat, some were wiping their foreheads with handkerchiefs, some were fanning themselves with their shirts. Excuse me sir, what did you just do? Well, I know that Vipassana requires us not to have fans blowing on us, I know it would interfere with our observing our breath, and I know learning to accept uncomfortable sensations is what we’re here for, but… oh, there’re so many buts! We’re new students, we haven’t fathomed what equanimity is, as it is I’m so vexed I can’t keep my mind focused on my meditation, how can I do it if it’s so hot? Are you testing my limits?

就这样，我在极度烦躁中闭着眼睛尝试静坐。慢慢地这烦躁明显地变成了愤怒。不可以对老师起嗔心，你是来学习消除习性反应的，事情是这样就是这样，接受就没有丝毫的痛苦，不抓住好的感受，不退开不好的感受……

And so I closed my eyes bringing with me all the full blown frustration. But slowly, I could see that frustration had turned into anger. You mustn’t generate anger towards the teacher, you’re here to learn to eradicate your habitual responses, whatever will be will be, just accept it, and you’ll be free… Don’t cling on to pleasant sensations, don’t push away unpleasant ones…

可是我依然痛苦，我依然气愤！这是必须留在禅堂的时段，但是我就是不要守规矩了。与其在这里继续酝酿嗔心，造作恶业，不如回房间好好冷静。于是3点出头，我起身离开了禅堂。

No matter what I told myself, I was still in agony, I was still angry! This wasn’t a time we could leave the hall, but I was going to flout the rule. Rather than staying here and brewing up all the negative thoughts and generating more negative karma, I’d better go back to my room and cool down. And so slightly after 3pm, I stood up and left.

回到房间，我躺在床上翻来覆去，开始后悔来闭关。槟中老师说，每个人一生至少也应该参加一次十日闭关，参加过的同学一个个说太棒了，Winnie强调一生一次绝对不够，还说想永远呆下去，Adeline则说这是她一生最快乐的10天……妈呀，怎么会有人享受这样的日子？！

Back in my room, I tossed about in bed. For the first time, I regretted coming to the retreat. BZ said that everybody had to come at least once in their life for the Vipassana retreat. And everybody who had come said it was wonderful. Winnie even emphasized that once was not enough, and she wanted to stay on forever in the retreat! Oh, and Adeline said that the 10 days in the retreat were the most meaningful days in her life! Goodness, how could anyone enjoy such a life?!

啊啊啊啊啊~！我将是第一个给老师负面报告的人，这是我第一次参加，也将是最后一次！我再也不来了，再也不来了！我不能为别人做好榜样，我是唯一失败的例子！我没有福报学习殊胜的法门，我就是业障深重！回去以后我不能跟人家分享，因为我只有负面的情绪，我跟人分享只会让人闻之丧胆退缩而不敢来，我不能造这样的恶业！要么我去把我的手机找回来吧，给老师打电话。但是，打电话说什么呢？有什么好说的？吐苦水？抱怨？就算抱怨，又能如何？还不是得乖乖呆到闭关结束？

Arghhhhhhhhhhh! I shall be the first to give negative feedback. This shall be the first and last time I would come. I’d never come back again, NEVER! I won’t be able to be a good example to others, I would be the one and only failure. I have not the good karma to learn this marvelous technique, I simply have too much negative karma blocking the way! And I won’t share with anybody my experience, because I have only negative things to say. People who listen to my stories would be so scared of this retreat, and they wouldn’t come for it. Obstructing others to practise, what horrible karma that would be! Oh, I think I’d better try to find my mobile and call BZ. But what can I tell him? What’s there to say? Should I complain? Even if I complained, so what? Still I’ll have to stay till the end of the retreat.

又想，会不会有人来把我抓回去？隐隐约约好像听到有人敲门，不管他。

In the midst of all this, I wondered if someone would come and get me. I thought I heard a knock, but I couldn’t care less.

外面轰隆隆~轰隆隆，竟然要下起大雨来了。然后，很明显地，敲门声又响起了。我把窗户开了条缝，果然是事务长来找我了，示意我回去。

I could hear the thunder roaring. It was going to rain, I couldn’t believe it. And then, this time, the knock on my door was loud and clear. I opened the window slightly, sure enough, it was the course manager outside. She gestured me to go back.

太热了，不回！唉，这念头一闪即过。你不是小孩了，怎么这样子给人添麻烦呢？

No, it’s too hot, I’m not going back! This thought came and went. You’re not a child anymore, why are you still giving others trouble?

于是我乖乖地跟着她回去。

So I went back with her.

一坐下，眼泪就扑簌簌流了下来。真的是任性的孩子！别问我哭什么。我不知道，我就是爱哭。

As soon as I sat down, tears started rolling. What a wilful child! Don’t ask me why I cried. I don’t’ know, I just have too much tears.

但是慢慢地，心情开始恢复平静。为什么给人家带来麻烦呢？为什么长这么大了还这么不懂事呢？必须给事务长道歉才行啊。必须好好反省才是啊。

But gradually, my mood changed for the better. Why create unnecessary trouble for others? You’re already an adult, why can’t you behave? You gotta apologize to the course manager, you gotta repent!

就这样，5点，我又高高兴兴地吃水果了。6点进禅堂以前，找到了事务长，向她道歉。她微笑着摇摇头。啊，好慈祥的笑容。

By 5pm, I was happily eating my fruit. Before entering the hall at 6pm, I found the course manager and said sorry. She shook her head with a kind gentle smile. What a wonderful lady, I thought.

我发现每天到了9点，已经是精疲力尽，全身酸痛。每天坐着，几乎都没有劳作，竟然比在家忙忙碌碌还累。

I noticed that by 9pm, I would always be fatigued. And I was sore all over. We were sitting down the whole day, almost without any labour work, despite so, I seemed to be more tired than after a day of housework!

第四天：

Day 4:

早上，有点想偷懒。然而还是乖乖起床了，在房间开始做功课。谁知不久，就听到外面一阵铃声响起。然后脚步声靠近，铃声就在门口再度响起。窗户出现一个女人的头型。妈呀，外面乌七妈黑一片寂静，突然冒出个女人的影子，真有点让人毛骨悚然，我不知道该如何反应才好，不知不觉就冒出了句：“yes?”，影子方才离开。好在我并不是在赖床呢……

I thought of lazing this morning too. Nevertheless, I dragged myself out of bed, and started doing my homework in the room. But soon, I heard a bell ringing softly outside. Then footsteps came right up to my door, and the bell rung again. I saw the silhouette of a woman on the window pane. In the absolute quietness and total darkness of early morning, having the shadow of a woman on your window can be quite a scare. I was at a loss as to how to response, and clumsily said, “yes?” After which the shadow left. Phew, luckily I wasn’t lazing in bed!

8点那场，我发现，我能坐上1小时不动了！啊，实在太高兴了。至少，我来闭关，还是有成就的。本来坐个10分钟腿就麻了，但是，我现在能坐上1小时呢！这多么了不起！腿还是会麻，还是会疼，但是，我做到了！于是，心情就好些了。

During the 8am session, I managed to sit for one full hour! Wow, I was just too happy. At least now I have accomplished something. Just 10 minutes I would usually be numb, but now, I could do 1 hour! Isn’t that quite something? I would still be numb and I still felt a lot of pain, but now I could bear it all! And that made me quite happy.

下午，开始传授内观了，以后，我们不只是观察呼吸了，而要观察全身上下的感受了。今天，我们又有了新的条规，那就是早上、下午、晚上必须留在禅堂的3个1小时的时间段，双腿不能松开，双手不能动弹，双眼不能睁开，这时间段叫做“坚定意志静坐”。啊，我已经做到了，不用担心，有点得意忘形了！

In the afternoon, we were taught the Vipassana technique. From now onwards, we wouldn’t be just watching our breath, we would have to observe the sensation of every part of our body. And now we had a new rule. That is, for the three 1-hr sessions that we couldn’t leave the hall, we mustn’t move our legs and hands, nor open our eyes. This was called the “sittings of strong determination”. Aha, I could do it, no problem for me now! I was a bit beside myself with elation I suppose.

但是，我的情绪依然起起落落，依然感到烦躁，依然感到沮丧。

But my emotions were still going up and down, and I was still feeling the same frustration and depression.

那10天，我常常散步。饭后不知所措的时候，提前离开禅堂偷懒的时候，就散步，散步，散步。下午大太阳的时候，也打着伞散步。

I took frequent strolls during the retreat. After meals when I simply didn’t know what to do, and during meditation sessions when I sneaked out early. Even under the hot blazing afternoon sun, I would take my stroll, with an umbrella.

回房间能干什么呢？狭小的空间，里边除了床，什么也没有。我时不时打开行李包，唉，里头除了几件衣服以外，什么也没有。又关上，再打开，又关上。本来嘛，没事干就该在房间用功。但是，让我做什么都好，就是别让我静坐。与其留在房间，不如出去透透风。

What was there to do in the small room? Besides my bed, there was practically nothing. I would open my bag and see that there were only some clothes inside, then zip it up again. And then repeat the same process over and over again. We should continue with our mediation practice of course, but well, you could ask me to do anything, except meditation. Rather than staying in the room, I thought going out to get some fresh air was a wiser choice.

唉，我本来就不适合静坐的。散步的时候，抬头望远处的云朵，啊，大自然太可爱了，我对着美丽的云朵微笑，心里感到畅快。是啊，我是需要大自然滋润的，我不适合观内心，我需要一望无际的自然风光，这样我才不会枯萎。也不记得是哪一天，走着走着，我就感到好委屈，好难过。多么想躲回房间号啕大哭，但是转念又想，隔壁会听得一清二楚，免了吧。于是，一边散步，一边落泪。反正大家都会装作看不到我，我也会装作看不到大家。

Sigh. I was never meant for meditation. While I was strolling, I would look up at the clouds and marvel at how beautiful nature is. I thought to myself, I’m meant to find my true self in Nature, not by looking within myself. Only by basking myself in nature would I be spared the destiny of withering. I don’t remember which day it was, but once, while walking, I felt so sorry for myself, and so overcome with sadness, I thought I had to go back to my room to cry out loud. But I couldn’t, because my neighbour would hear it. So I simply let my tears roll down as I walked on. Everybody would pretend not to see me anyway, just like how I would pretend not to see them.

方麒啊方麒，你本来就没有静坐的天分，利源可以坐上一小时也不腿麻，Winnie可以一闭上眼睛就没有杂念，你是恰恰相反，还学什么静坐啊？几年前第一次学习静坐，一闭上眼睛就睡觉，弄得自己对静坐反感，本来就没有善根学习静坐嘛！10天的特训都调伏不了你，以后槟中老师的课，大可不必继续上了，你也许是无药可救了。

I’ve never had any aptitude for meditation. LY has always been able to sit for an hour without feeling any numbness, while Winnie could close her eyes and shut out all stray thoughts immediately. But I, oh, I’m the exact opposite! When I first learnt meditation a few years ago, I would doze off the minute I closed my eyes. And that left me pretty much averse to meditation. See, I simply don’t have the good karma to practise meditation. Even a 10 day special course can’t do anything to me, I was half decided that when I got back to Singapore, I would stop attending BZ’s course too. I was beyond hope.

谁说过修行不辛苦？这么一点点的苦，你都熬不住，还修什么行？人家天天法会呀，放生呀，义工呀，个个忙得不亦乐乎，你却总是抱怨活动太多，本来就不是修行的料！那我到底适合做什么呢？做一般的上班族嫌是非太多压迫感太重，做母亲又认为责任太重大应付不来，城市的生活嫌太扰乱人心，山里的生活又太艰苦，简直娇生惯养透了！就是啊，我就是从小都没吃过苦，从小日子过得太舒服了，所以意志那么薄弱，意志薄弱，你还能做什么呢？所以啊，人应该从小就受一点苦才行啊，到了我这个地步已经是没什么指望了！

Has anybody said that the spiritual path is a smooth sailing one? It’s only a little setback, and I’m already beaten. With such an attitude there’s no way I can continue my Dharma practice. Every one of the dharma friends around me is ever so full of fervor with all kinds of pujas, talks, animal liberations, volunteer work and what have you. But I’m always complaining that we have way too many activities. I’m just not meant to become a practitioner. But am I meant to be something else then? The corporate ladder is too stacked up with politics, while a mother’s job is too huge a responsibility. City life is too much hustle, while life up in the mountains is too tough. I’m just too pampered to do accomplish anything! I’ve never experienced any hardship, yeah, that must be why, life has been too comfortable since young, and now I’ve ended up with flabby will. One has to learn to endure some hardship at a young age. It’s too late for me to turn back now.

于是，我开始缅怀过去，回想美丽快乐的童年。静坐的时候，脑海里满是童年的趣事，嘴角不禁时不时露出微笑。小时候住的房子，周围陪伴我们长大的大人们，跟姐姐弟妹玩耍的情景，一个个浮现眼前，我的童年太美好太快乐了！就这样，那场静坐以后，心情由沮丧又变得开心了。真是朽木不可雕也！

I started to reminisce about my childhood days. While I sat on the meditation cushion, my whole mind was full of my childhood memories, and I felt so pleased and smiled to myself. The house we lived in, the adults around us, the good old times I had with my siblings, they all came back to me. What a beautiful childhood I’ve had! As the meditation session ended, my depressive mood was lifted off, and I became happy again. Oh, I’m hopeless aren’t I?

其实，偶尔也看到一些曙光的, 偶尔念头还是转得过来的。就如我天生身体不好让我愿意学习改变饮食以改善体质，静坐初期的挫折，日后也将成为我帮助别人的宝贵资量。我应该庆幸我并不是一开始就一帆风顺。

Well, occasionally I did see rays of hope. Sometimes I did manage to turn my thoughts around. I should be thankful that it didn’t go all so smoothly for me at the beginning. Just as how my poor constitution has led me to learn how to change my diet for better health, so will the early setbacks in meditation turn into precious assets for me in future to help others.

因为今天开始有三个不可动弹的时间段，所以老师把我们叫到面前的时候，特别叮咛了。老师问我旁边的阿姨，可以一个小时保持不动吗？可是，她问我的，是“可以一个小时不睁开眼睛吗？”我果然入了黑名单了？！我一口答应，可以！哎哟老师，我已经很检点了，很少睁眼了啦。

Because we were going to have 3 periods of absolute still sitting, the lady teacher specially gave us verbal instructions in preparation for this. She asked the lady beside me if she could remain in the same posture for one full hour. But to me, the question was, “Can you remain with your eyes shut for one hour?” Oh, looks like I really have ended up black listed yeah? “Yes!” I answered readily. Dear teacher, I’ve been quite a good girl really, I’ve refrained from opening my eyes many times…

我发现，虽然白天我依然烦乱，但是到了晚上的开示，我慢慢感受得到感激之心。听完开示，也能由心地礼拜。而且，葛印卡老师很幽默。今晚的开示，他说，一小时坚定静坐，是很辛苦的，我们忍着熬着，终于，他的唱诵响起来了，预示这场静坐即将结束的唱诵响起来了，啊，是多么美妙的唱诵啊！我听了不禁会心一笑，这话显然是对我说的！因为我虽然讨厌听唱诵，但是当唱诵响起预示结束的时候，我真是觉得，啊，简直是天赐甘露！

I noticed that even though I was still often filled with frustration during day time, by the evening discourse, I could already sense a feeling of gratitude. And by the end of the discourse, I could pray and bow with respect too. And I was often tickled by Mr. Goenka’s humour. Tonight, he told us that the one hour sitting of determination was indeed tough, and described vividly how much agony we endured throughout the hour. And when his chanting came on at the end of a session, we would probably feel, as he said, oh, what enchanting chanting! LOL, this seemed to be directed at me. Despite my aversion to the chanting at other times, I always greeted the closing chanting with a warm welcome. It truly was enchanting, what a godsend!

第五天：

Day 5:

这天，我开始坐在床上数日子。六、七、八、九、十！数到十，很自然地就咧开嘴笑了，太高兴了……数完了华语数日语，数完了日语数英语，数完了英语数藏语，然后潮州话，广东话……够无聊的，但是我就是无聊到那样的程度。

Today, I started counting down as I sat on my bed. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten! As I reached ten, very naturally I broke into a happy grin. After counting in Mandarin, I replayed everything again in every language I knew. Absolutely silly and a waste of time huh. But that was how bad things were for me.

如果只是无聊，那倒还好。当我很难受的时候，我真的感觉到自己随时可能失去理性，离发疯只有一线之差。有一次静坐时，我依然是专不了心，心情烦躁不堪，然后眼前就浮现自己发疯的样子，很恐怖的样子，周围的人们如何过来企图把这疯子降伏，利源又如何从男众处过来……哇，严重的自导自演恶习。

If I was merely being silly, I guess it wasn’t that bad. When I was feeling really down, there were quite a few moments when I felt I was really on the verge of breaking down and going berserk. I was just a very thin line away from losing my mind. Once, during a sitting, I was, as usual, not being focused, and feeling very irritated. And then I saw an image of myself, a deranged woman. I looked hideous. People in the hall gathered around to hold me down, and LY came over from the male section…… What an overactive imagination…

又有一次，我的思绪跑到坐在我前面的日本人。到马来西亚参加闭关还遇到日本人，而且竟然坐在我前面，还真是有缘。她是那么用功，从头到尾难得动那么一两回，不像我，不但总是动来动去，还老是迟到早退。啊，真对不起呢，妨碍人家，真想跟她道歉。不能开口说话，于是我的脑海就清清楚楚浮现出我跟她坐在食堂开始对话的画面，每一句话清清楚楚毫不含糊……不知道别人的妄想症有没有我这么厉害？

Another time, my mind wandered to the Japanese lady in front of me. Fancy meeting a Japanese in a retreat in Malaysia, and she’s even sitting right in front of me, what interesting destiny! She was an exemplary student, she hardly moved. I was the perfect lousy student, fidgeting every now and then on my cushion, worst of all, getting in late and sneaking out early! Oops… I’m so sorry for disturbing her, I got to apologize to her. We weren’t supposed to talk, but very easily I found myself talking to her, in my mind… The images were pretty vivid, we were seated in the canteen, and the conversation started flowing very naturally… Wow, I wonder if anybody’s a better fantasy maker than me?

有个同修这回是第6次参加，我万分钦佩，后来跟她说起我静不下心来的问题，她建议生活可以简单一些。我想，很少人的生活可以像我这么简单吧？从来就不喜欢应酬，也不参加什么派队，又不爱逛街看电影，生活就是围绕着家庭跟同修，做家务、上课、参加法会和放生，尽管有时候觉得很忙，但是除了这些基本上没什么别的了。我的问题很明显不在外面，而在里面。

One retreatant was there for the 6^th time, I was totally awed. Later, I told her about my difficulty in quieting down my mind, and she suggested keeping my life simple. To which I thought, probably very few people live such a simple life as I do. I enjoy neither socializing nor partying, I’m not a shopper nor a movie go-er. My life revolves around my family, housework, classes, pujas and animal liberation. Sometimes I feel exhausted with all these activities, but basically, that’s almost all there is to my life. It probably is quite apparent that in my case, the problem isn’t outside of me, but inside.

好静是我的别名，但是，我一点也不静。里头的声音，比谁都大。我之所以从来不怎么需要找伴聊天，也许就因为我里面已经有很好的聊天对象。禁语的规矩把对我来说本来就不算什么的障碍去除了，但是我里头喋喋不休的大敌，是挡也挡不住！

I label myself as quiet by nature, but I’m far from being a quiet person. Within me, the voice is louder than you can imagine. Perhaps the reason I don’t usually need a talking partner is that I already have a perfect one right within myself. The Noble Silence restriction removed the outer enemies that never really were a big problem for me, but my greatest internal enemy just wouldn’t be subdued.

今天，还起了大风波。我又对老师生气了。这次是对女老师。而引起我的无明火的，竟然是同样的问题。

Today, I created a storm again. I got angry with the teacher. Not again! This time, it was towards the female teacher. And for the same old reason!

女老师让事务长把风扇关小了。我闭着眼睛做静坐的样子，但是，我根本没有静坐，我怒火中烧。我任性地反复地告诉自己，我不要观察什么身体的感受，我不要，不要，不要！不要就是不要！真不知道在跟谁过不去？但是我答应过老师我不会睁开眼睛的，所以我不睁开。我又想，我答应不睁开眼，却没有答应不动，要不我就闭着眼睛瞎子摸路走回房间，哈哈哈。虽然生气，竟然还有心情打这种鬼主意。

She requested the course manager to turn down the fan. I closed my eyes as I should in meditation posture, but I wasn’t meditating at all. I was burning with anger. I repeatedly told myself willfully, that I wasn’t going to do any observation of the sensations of my body. I wouldn’t, and that’s it. Goodness, just who was I trying to get even with? But I’d promised the teacher that my eyes would remain shut for the full one hour, so I remained still. But then again, I thought, oh, I promised not to open my eyes, I hadn’t promised that I wouldn’t move. So how about finding my way back with my eyes shut? This thought seemed quite funny and entertaining, hahaha. Seems even funnier now, wasn’t I angry? Yet I could still come up with such ridiculous ideas.

这一小时一过，我就回房间了。躺在床上，翻来覆去，迷迷糊糊中昏昏睡去了。没几分钟的时间，我猛然惊醒，从床上跳起。

Once this hour was over, I went straight back to my room. I tossed and turned about in bed, and soon started dozing off. But within a few minutes, I woke up with a start, and jumped up from bed.

第一个念头是：刚才发生了什么事情？

The first thought that came in was, what happened?

我感到十分震惊，难以置信。我竟然生气了？为了这么小的事生气了吗？真的有这样的事吗？老师们都是观音菩萨的化身，众生都是观音菩萨，我怎么全都忘得一干二净了？霎时间感到羞愧无比，急忙念诵百字明咒，心里无限懊悔。

I was totally in shock. I couldn’t believe myself. Did I get angry? Over such a small matter? Did it really happen? The teachers are manifestations of Guanyin, every sentient being is Guanyin, why have I forgotten this totally? In a split second I was overwhelmed with deep remorse. I was so ashamed of myself, and hastily started chanting the Vajrasattva 100 syllable mantra.

但是最让我感到震撼的，是我生气和反省两种情绪的极大差别。我仿佛是站在河的两岸，心情截然不同。当我意识到自己生了气的那一刻，我仿佛是昨夜喝得烂醉，清晨突然惊醒的人。虽然我没有喝醉过，但是电视都是这么演的。真的啊，生气的人，完完全全是疯子！以前这比喻我只是道理上明白，今天，我是那么真切地体会到了。刚才，我真的成了个疯子，太可怕了！

But what really left me dumbfounded was the absolute contrast in my emotions when I was fuming with anger and when I was filled with regret. I felt like I was standing on opposite banks of a river, and the views were so absolutely, totally different. The moment I realized that I had been angry, I was akin to someone who had just woken up from a drunken stupor. Well, in reality I’ve never been drunk before so I don’t really know, but that’s what they always show in dramas. Really, people who are angry are mad people. This was something I’d always thought I knew, but today, I could feel it so acutely. I had just been a mad woman! How terrifying.

我从疯狂中醒过来的时候，外面又下起了大雨。除了禁语解除后的第10天以外，其余的9天，都是炎热的大太阳，偏偏就是我生气的那两天，下起了倾盆大雨。而且是在我恢复清醒之际。是上苍在捉弄我吗？

As I woke up from my insanity, it started raining again outside. Apart from the 10^th day when the Noble Silence rule was removed, all the 9 days were hot sultry days. But it had to be the 2 days when I lost my mind that it rained heavily. Right after I regained my senses. Hmm, I wonder if some higher spirits were making fun of me?

因为受不了热，因为受不了一身粘粘的感受，所以心情不快。这是不是女性较难克服的一关？至少对娇生惯养的我而言，这明显是个难关。

Because I couldn’t take the heat, because I couldn’t accept it that I was wet and sticky with perspiration, so I got upset. I wonder if this is one of the obstacles females typically face? At least for me, it is one huge barrier.

下来的几天，心里老想着要跟两位老师道歉。尽管没有向他们发脾气，但是毕竟是那么不恭敬地对他们起了嗔心，要忏悔啊。我老盘算着该什么时候去找他们，就这样脑海里又出现了电影般的画面，我就在他们面前磕头的画面！但是结果这么戏剧性的画面没有发生，我最终还是没有找他们。不过，我虽然没有公然闹情绪，我这学生是什么样的心绪，总觉得老师是一清二楚的，只是给我留面子，装作不知道罢了。我毕竟也当过老师，下面的学生做什么，老师是一目了然的。学生时代还偷偷在桌底下看武侠小说，当老师是傻瓜吗？想起来真觉得好笑！

For the following days, I kept thinking of finding the perfect chance to apologize to the teachers. Although I hadn’t flared up, still I had been disrespectful. I’d better be repentant! I kept pondering about when was a good time to look for them, and in my mind, I started making my own movie, and saw myself kowtowing to them! But well, reality is seldom so dramatic, eventually I didn’t look them up. But somehow I was sure that the teachers knew what was going on within my mind. They were just sparing me the embarrassment, and feigned ignorance. I had been a teacher myself, what students do is almost always apparent to the teacher. I recall that I used to hide kungfu novels under my desk to read during class. Now that is funny, did I think that the teacher didn’t know?

第六天：

Day 6:

这天好像没有什么特别的事吧？也许是忘了。反正还是不停地想，都第六天了，其他同学到了这时候都已经完全进入闭关状态了，只有我，还巴望着早日回家。我也不愿意就这样中途离开，能来是我的福报，要珍惜要珍惜！但是，唉，还是压抑不住想马上回家的心。恨不得明天就是第10天！

There didn’t seem to be anything special on this day. Perhaps my memory has failed me. But in any case, I was still persistently thinking, it was already the 6^th day, everyone of our dharma mates had already settled comfortably into the meditation mode by this day, why was I the only one still yearning to be home? I really didn’t want to give up half way. To be here was my good karma, and I must treasure it. Yet I couldn’t quell the desire to be home instantly. How I wished the following day was the 10^th day!

我有股冲动，很想找两位助理老师谈判。为什么不能离开？有什么大不了的？说什么第一天手术就已经开始了，才没这么回事，我好得不得了，我不舒服，是因为我不用功，因为我做得不好。我烦躁，跟什么开刀手术没什么关系，我根本没有出现什么净化现象……但这些也只是想想罢了。

I had the impulse to go look for the teachers for some serious negotiation. Why can’t I leave? What’s the big deal about all this? All the talk about the surgery having begun on the 1^st day, nothing of the sort, I don’t see anything happening to me. I am feeling fidgety and irritable because I haven’t been working hard, because I haven’t done well, it’s got nothing to do with any surgery, I’m not having any purification of any sort… But well, again, all this was only what I entertained myself with in my mind.

第七天：

Day 7:

今天，下午那场我奇迹般地做得很好，感觉很好，很有满足感。老师们总是再三叮咛，不管感觉到任何感受，都只要观察，不要对好的感受起贪念，希望它持续下去，也不要对不好的感受起嗔心，希望它赶快消失。今天，我似乎体会得到为什么老师们总是反复提醒我们不要贪图美好的感受。原来做得好的话，感受真的很不错，很难不生起贪求的欲望。

Today was exceptionally good. By some miracle, I seemed to do pretty well, and I felt good, very satisfied with myself. The teachers were always reminding us that whatever sensations we felt, we were not to become attached to the pleasant ones and to wish for them to continue, neither were we to become averse to the unpleasant ones and to wish for them to vanish quickly. Today, I thought I could understand why the teachers kept telling us not to cling on to the nice sensations and to crave for them. Because if you do well, apparently the feeling would really be quite good, and it would indeed be difficult not to want more of it.

做完以后，从禅堂出来，很自然地我脚步放得非常慢，而且，跟往常不一样，我并没有习惯性地想要抬头看周围，没有想要透透风的感觉，我就是静静地看着我的脚步一起一落，极慢地走着，走着，似乎这样就很满足了。嘴角禁不住挂着一丝微笑，心情，是多么地平静，多么地安宁。走了一段路，我慢墁抬起头来，再次看着远处的云朵。我又很满足地微笑了。这样的平静，我以前感受过吗？

As I walked out from the meditation hall after the wonderful session, very naturally I walked very slowly. Unlike how I usually would be, looking up and around for some consolation from all around me, that moment, I watched quietly at my two feet as they left the ground and stepped on it again. I walked so very slowly. And I seemed to be content at just that. I wore a smile on my face, and I felt extremely calm and peaceful. After a distance, I gently raised my head, and looked at the clouds far away, as I often did. And I smiled again in contentment. I thought to myself, have I every felt such peace before?

好像也是这一天吧，我在饮食方面稍微可以自我克制了。比如，一般情况下一年可能都吃不上一两回的炒面，今天我就没碰了，不像前几天，看到什么就都想拼命地吃。有进步了，有指望了！

I think it probably was this same day when I began to be able to control my compulsive eating. For the past few days, I had been scrambling for almost anything I could find in the canteen. But today, I gave the fried noodles, a dish that I hardly eat usually, a miss. Looks like there’s marked improvement, there’s hope for me after all!

第八天：

Day 8:

昨天才感受到天堂般的喜悦，今天，突然又掉入了谷底。似乎真是在训练我看透无常！非常沮丧。看来，我毕竟是不用再来第二回了。以后再来的话，我得跟其他旧生一样坐在前面，我才不干。回新加坡以后，槟中老师的课，也可以不必上了……

The heavenly peace I had felt yesterday was short-lived. Today, I fell into the abyss again. Seems like this really is training for me to understand impermanence! I was utterly depressed. Again, I fell into the mode of assuring myself that this would be the first and last retreat for me. If I were to come back, I would have to sit in the front rows as old students should, oh, I shan’t do that! When I get back to Singapore, I should probably discontinue my lessons with BZ as well…

不过，想着再过两天就可以回新加坡了，精神就为之一振。

But as soon as I recalled that I was going back in 2 days’ time, I found some energy to move on.

第九天：

Day 9:

明天就是最后一天了，太好了！我的心情是越来越愉悦！

Tomorrow would be the last day, hooray! I was getting happier and happier.

今天，8点那场，我在禅堂里坐着，很快地，我内心就开始唱起歌来了。这些天，我脑子里的唱机每天放着不同的音乐。连小学的校歌、小时候政府鼓励说话语的那首歌，平日不爱听的歌，全都不停地播放。但是一般这些都只是背景音乐，还不至于把我压住。今天，我却是不管三七二十一，当主角了。啊，就让我好好地放纵吧！不只是我自己在唱，我还跟玲合音，太久没跟她合唱了，以前天天唱，多快乐啊。就这样，我一个小时不停地不停地唱，唱得血液好像都流畅起来了。葛印卡老师的唱诵响起来时，我还觉得，咦，怎么这么快到时间了？而且，平常我因为腿又疼又麻，要好一阵子才能站起来，但是今天，我几乎是马上就站得起来！

During the 8am session, very soon after having seated myself in the meditation hall, I started singing to myself in my mind. Every single day during this retreat, there had been different songs playing within me. I was even hearing my primary school song, the Speak Mandarin Campaign song, and songs that I’d never liked. They played on and on and on. But they had remained in the background, and hadn’t posed too much of a danger. Today, however, I took the centre stage. Aha, I shall sing my heart out today! I wasn’t alone. I sang with Ling, oh, it’s been ages since we sang together. We used to be the perfect singing partners, those were the happy days! And so, for one hour, I sang on and on and on, to the extent that I thought I could feel my blood circulating. When Mr. Goenka’s chanting came on, I was pretty surprised that time had passed so quickly. And the pleasant surprise was that, I could stand up almost immediately after the session! Usually, it would take me a couple of minutes because of the numbness and pain

哇，唱得真起劲，痛快！哈哈，还有谁能救我这块朽木？

Wow, what a great time I had! Hahaha, seems like it is beyond doubt that I am beyond hope!?

晚上，我终于向老师提出了两个关于静坐的问题。平时我上课不是问题最多的学生吗？怎么来到这里什么也没问？

In between one of the night sessions, I finally plucked up enough courage to pose two questions to the teacher. Haven’t I always been the student with the most questions? Why have I become mum?

唉，说实在，太不用功了，也不知道能问什么。我心里确实有一些疑问，但是，我不用功，不自己好好尝试体会，我还有什么资格问问题？

To speak the truth, it’s because I’d not been good at all. I’d not worked hard enough, what was there to ask about? I did have some questions in mind, but I’d been so lazy, I hadn’t tried hard enough, was I in any position to ask anything?

而且，偶尔心里耍脾气，哼，我才不问你们，有问题我回去问老师。

And in fact, occasionally, I would become the willful child again, and thought, humph, I’m not going to ask you, I’ll leave my queries to my teacher in Singapore!

多么任性，多么傲慢！在那里，也许老师们犹如监狱官，我犹如囚犯。不，应该说，老师们就是学校的老师，我就是那个知道应该好好学习却又极不愿意认真学习的超级任性，超级叛逆的孩子。

What insolence! Perhaps the teachers were like prison officers, while I was the prisoner. No, I should say, the teachers were school teachers, while I was the extremely hard-to-tame wayward child, who knew very well she had to study hard, but who was so unwilling to give herself in.

问了老师问题以后，受到相当大的鼓舞，晚上那场，好像做得还不错。禅修当中的一些感受，在这里也不说了，毕竟，老师们常常提醒，感受只是工具，不论是愉悦的感受，或者是讨厌的感受，都不可抓住，也不要推开，修平等心，才是至关重要。只是老师啊老师，要不是有些许愉悦的感受，我这懒虫又怎么会挨着疼痛继续努力呢？一天到晚观察感受，我很快就闷，很快就懒了……但是这晚在静坐时，迷迷糊糊中看到一个很可怕的影像，我不知道是不是我昏沉睡着了，但是很明确地看到一个人不像人，鬼不像鬼的……众生？似笑非笑地……看着我吗？就只是一瞬间，他就消失了，或者，是我一下子就梦醒了吗？

After clearing my doubts with the teacher, I was greatly encouraged, and I think I did quite well for the night. I won’t dwell on the sensations during meditation, in any case, the teachers have always stressed that sensations are only tools for us to practise equanimity. It doesn’t matter if sensations are agreeable or not, what matters is not clinging on to the pleasant ones and not disliking the unpleasant ones. This is the main point of the practice. But dear teachers, if it weren’t for the pleasant sensations, how would a lazy student like me find the motivation to practise? I would be bored observing the sensations day and night! But well, something interesting occurred tonight. In a somewhat dazed moment, I saw an image. It wasn’t human, nor did it look like a ghost. It looked somewhat like a clown, a very scary one. And it was glaring at me with an eerie smile. In an instant, it was gone. I don’t know if I was dreaming.

这天，离开禅堂回房间的时候，我的心情是非常愉悦的。很快就可以回家啦！要是我还是个小女孩，要是周围没有别人，我一定是蹦蹦跳跳跑回去。唉，长大了真可悲，我的心情，真的像小女孩一样，偏偏不能那么纵容自己了。

As I left the hall and headed for my room, I was in very good spirits. I was going home soon! If I were still a young girl, if there wasn’t anybody around me, I would be hopping and dancing my way back to the room. What a sad thing it is to grow up. I felt so happy like a little child, yet I could not express myself as my heart desired.

这天晚上，我睡得很沉很沉，感觉很重很重，很累，很累，并且有种惶恐、不安。我还做恶梦了。那梦境，其实一点也不可怕， 并没有什么鬼怪之类的东西。但是，在梦里我非常非常害怕，半梦半醒之际，告诉自己，恐惧是习惯性反应，习惯性反应……醒来以后也还心有余悸。人家说，这种时候做恶梦是消恶业，我这恶梦，是不是呢？

That night, I was in a total deep slumber, and I felt a sense of heaviness on me that was overpowering. I felt so extreeeeeeeeeeemely fatigued. There was also a sense of fear and uneasiness. And I had a nightmare. The dream itself wasn’t scary, there wasn’t any ghost or anything like that, but I was in total fear. As I weaved in and out of the dream, I repeatedly told myself not to have the habitual response of becoming fearful. But the fear lingered on even after I woke up in the morning. It is said that bad dreams at such times are a form of purification. I wonder if mine was a form of purification?

第十天：

Day 10:

早上9点多以后，禁语就解开了。就像葛印卡老师所说，已经没有神圣的禁语，取而代之的是神圣的闲话。

After 9 plus in the morning, there was no longer any Noble Silence. As Mr. Goenka put it, we would be replacing it with Noble Chatter.

我抱着利源痛哭，大喊：我再也不来了，再也不来了……

I wailed in LY’s arms, “I’m never coming again, never, never!”

哈哈，这只是我前面9天神志失常的时候想象出来的画面……现实往往没有这么戏剧性的情节。今天，我才知道，原来利源也和我半斤八两，也很想回家！哈哈，早知道如此，那我们不如早早就私奔算了！不过还好我们不知道，因为，中途放弃的话，我们大概都会后悔吧。而且，虽然我很辛苦，天天都归心似箭，但是，我并不想就这么走了。

Oops, that was only the movie I made in my mind during the past 9 days when I was a little out of sorts. Reality is rarely so dramatic! Today, I discovered that LY wasn’t faring much better than me, he had been wanting to go home too! If I had known that, wouldn’t it be great if we eloped, LOL! But we were lucky that we didn’t know how each other fared, for if we really ran off, we would definitely regret it. Even though I felt terrible, even though I yearned to go home, I didn’t want to leave just like that.

跟几个人谈了以后，才发现，我好像并没有想象中的差劲嘛！跟那位洋姑娘也聊了好一些，原来，她第一次也和我一样，非常难受，听着葛印卡老师的声音，也产生反感，而且，她第二次，还竟然逃离了！至少，我还不至于收拾行囊，原来我还不算太糟糕，哈哈哈。她还说，很奇妙，我们跟她说的一些情形，她有的经历过，有的没有，但是，不管怎么样，竟然都克服过来了。她的一番话，听了很受鼓舞。

After speaking to some people, I realized that I wasn’t so bad after all! I spoke with the Caucasian girl too, and found out that she had felt terrible too during the first retreat, and she also couldn’t stand Mr. Goenka’s voice! And on her second retreat, she even ran away! At least I hadn’t come to the point of packing up my belongings, so I wasn’t as bad as I imagined, hahaha. And she said something very encouraging. Of the struggles we spoke of, some she had experienced before, and some she hadn’t. But amazingly, she had overcome them all.

不过，她不像我有千斤小姐的障碍。我提起我不能去别的中心，因为没有个人的厕所。她一脸茫然地问，为什么？我一下子也不知道怎么回答。为什么？这是什么问题？想了一下，告诉她，我太被娇惯了。她是小狗型，喜欢闯荡，喜欢接触新事物的个性吧，就算脏乱，也无所谓。我则是恰恰相反，小猫型，喜欢留在熟悉的环境，害怕不规律的生活、不熟悉的事物，又有点洁癖。这是我多么大的一个障碍啊！

But still, she had one less obstacle than me, that is, attachment to luxuries in life. I told her that I couldn’t go to other centres, because they don’t provide attached toilets. She seemed perplexed, and asked me, why? All of a sudden I didn’t know how to answer. Why? Hmm, what a question. After some thinking, I told her that I was too pampered. She probably is more of a dog person who likes adventures, some dirt isn’t going to make her unhappy. I, on the other hand, am more like a cat. I find solace in familiar environments, and fear a life that is filled with irregularities and unfamiliar things. To make things worse, I’m a little fastidious about cleanliness. What a HUGE obstacle I have!

今天，大家都落实了神圣的闲话这新的条规，聊啊聊啊聊……晚上，正如我所预料，我很难入睡。白天跟大家的谈话，不停地不停地回来。

Everybody dutifully adhered to the new rule of Noble Chatter. The chattering went non-stop. As I had expected, I couldn’t sleep well tonight. The conversations we had in the day kept coming back.

结语：

Conclusion:

尽管我似乎有发不完的牢骚，但是其实，我觉得整个课程设计、安排得都非常完美。我们的作息时间，加上过午不食等规矩，乍听之下也许很可怕，但是，那是很有道理的，我们本来就应该早睡早起，晚餐吃得少或者不吃，本来就是养生之道。这样的生活规律，都是我向来就十分向往的，但是，总是做不到，意志不坚定啊！所以，这样的约束，其实我是非常乐意接受的。更何况，一旦进入了那样的生活规律，其实并不痛苦，身体很快就能调适过来。甚至，我发现过了几天，我就算静坐的时候觉得困，也只是偶尔打盹，然后睡意就消去了，并不像以前那样，困得难受之极，困得要闹情绪。

Despite the seemingly endless complaints, I actually find the course very perfectly structured. Our meditation schedule and scanty dinner might seem quite daunting at first glance, but these really are very wise rules. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. Little or no dinner is also the way to true health. These are habits which I have been wanting to establish, but haven’t been successful because I haven’t the strong will and perseverance. So I readily welcome this form of restraint. Furthermore, it’s really not that tough because your system adapts to the new routine pretty quickly, one that is what nature intended for us. In fact, I noticed that after a few days, even though occasionally I felt drowsy during meditation, it persisted only for a very short while, very soon the sleepiness would be gone. It wasn’t like how I used to be – sleepy from beginning till end, so sleepy that meditation sessions often made me sulky.

禁语呢，也是那么有智慧有远见的规矩。要是不严守禁语，那么，闭关就不是闭关了。本来就像猴子的心，就更加安不住了。还有更重大的理由：要是不禁语，我们不但很可能会在这期间打妄语，那也就破了戒，而且，交谈当中，必定会提起各自禅修的情形。做得不好的，可能会自觉不如他人而沮丧甚至自我放弃，做得好的，则可能会沾沾自喜，两者都对禅修是大障碍。

As for the rule of Noble Silence, this, again, is a regulation implemented with great foresight. If we could talk and communicate with others, then this wouldn’t be a meditation retreat, it would be a holiday retreat. Given how our mind is like a wild monkey, allowing communication would never help calm us down. There’s another greater reason for this though. If we chatter, conversations would inevitably turn to how each of us was doing, and our minds would start comparing. Those who seem to be doing badly might despair and give up on themselves, while those who do well might feel smug and become complacent. Both would be dangerous pitfalls for the practitioner.

回来后跟人提起这次的闭关，发现似乎很多人以为这闭关很辛苦，是因为一天到晚就是坐着不动。

After getting back to Singapore and talking to some people about the retreat, I realized that to some, the perceived difficulty of the retreat seems to be due to having to sit still all day long.

“会不会很痛？”

“Was it painful?”

其实，痛是当然的。但是，身体的痛，和心理的煎熬，根本不能相提并论。我这次感到很难受，也并不是因为腿坐着感到很不舒服。那不舒服是不在话下的，但是，让我那么饱受煎熬的，是把我压得几乎喘不过气来的内心的烦躁。

Oh, of course it was painful! However, the physical pain was nothing comparable to the mental affliction I endured. The imprint of suffering that I gave myself during the retreat wasn’t much due to the discomfort from sitting for hours on end. Physical discomfort was beyond doubt, but what truly caused me distress and torment was the frustration within my mind.

当我跟一些旧生说，我不知道自己以后还有没有勇气再回来的时候，他们都很坚定地说，你会的。回来以后跟老师吐苦水，他也说，过了一段时间，当一切沉淀下去以后，你的心情就不一样了。

When I told some old students that I didn’t know if I would have the courage to come again, they all said with firm belief that I would. Likewise, when I told BZ how wretched I had been as soon as I got back to Singapore, he also said, once everything has settled down in your mind, you’ll be able to see things clearer and you’ll feel differently.

果然，前辈毕竟是前辈，大家说得都那么准。

How true…… The veterans know best after all!

我告诉老师，我似乎没有做到什么净化，因为我根本没有好好用功，从头到尾心都依然躁动不安，从不间断地继续输送垃圾，哪里来的精神断食呢？但是，老师说，我断掉了平时的作息啊。我才恍然大悟。是啊。我的烦躁，平时没有那么明显，因为我生活太忙碌了，总是有家务等各种活动把它给掩盖起来了。那十天里，我平时赖以忘却烦躁的活动，都被迫停止了，理所当然地，本来就潜藏在内心的烦躁，都浮现出来了，都那么赤裸裸地出现在我眼前，让我不得不老实地面对。

I told BZ that apparently I hadn’t gone through any cleansing, because I hadn’t worked hard at all, for almost the whole retreat, I had been enduring my self afflicted frustrations. I never ceased to pour junk into my mind, how in the world could I have done any spiritual fasting? But BZ assured me that I did, though I didn’t manage to stop my habit of creating mental garbage, I stopped all other physical habits. All of a sudden I thought everything made sense. Exactly! I’ve always had bags and heaps of endless frustration. But in my daily life, they’ve never been so obvious, because every moment I’m busy with something, my daily chores have helped conceal the agitation in my mind. But in the 10 days, the activities that I’ve always relied upon to forget all the irritation I feel deep within were banned. And so naturally they come up to the surface, and I was forced to look at them in the face.

我之所以那么痛苦，大概因为平时，不管是什么样的心情，喜悦、兴奋、悲伤、痛苦、愤怒、赞叹、厌烦、妒嫉，期待、焦虑，我都习惯性地把它们都压抑住了。我之所以面对洋人的时候总是感到不知所措，甚至惶恐不安，也许就因为他们跟我完全相反，内心的感受总是自然地流露，毫不保留。

I figure that the reason why I was in such agony was probably because I’ve always had the habit of suppressing whatever emotions I have, be it joy, excitement, sorrow, pain, anger, admiration, irritation, jealousy, anticipation, anxiety… And perhaps the reason why I tend to feel uneasy when I’m with Westerners, sometimes even nervous, is that they tend to be exactly the opposite, always allowing their inner thoughts to flow out freely.

而且，我有点完美主义倾向，又很容易自暴自弃。当我觉得我做不来的时候，我就极不愿意尝试。要么做得好，要么就彻底不干。因为我静坐一开始就碰到挫折，因为我觉得我做得遭透了，所以我排斥静坐。是这样吗？

What is more, I am to some degree a perfectionist. And at the same time, one who is prone to abandoning herself. When I can’t see that I can do something, I simply don’t feel like giving it a try. Either I do it well, or I don’t do it at all. Because it had been tough right from the beginning, because I felt that I had done a horribly lousy job, therefore I kind of shut meditation out. Am I making sense?

更可怕的是，我总是太认真。懒学生还会认真吗？是啊，我总是把事情看得太真，总是让自己完全投入当时的情景。不是不懂得活在当下吗？好像有点矛盾呢。更确切地说，是意志太薄弱了吧，总是任凭感受主宰。听音乐的时候，明明知道这音乐让我很感伤，看电影的时候，明明知道这电影看了会让我跟着主人翁肝肠寸断，我还是任由自己十足地沉浸在那悲伤里头。享受痛苦自我虐待。

To make things worse, I tend to be overly serious. A lazy student being too serious? Yeah, I’m always taking things too seriously, always allowing myself to be fully immersed in emotion. Aren’t you incapable of living in the present moment? Sounds pretty contradictory. To be more precise, I guess I’m too weak-willed. More often than not, my emotions take charge of me. When I’m listening to music, despite knowing fully well that that particular music would throw me into deep sorrow, I plunge in. When I’m watching a movie, despite being completely aware that I would end up heart-broken like the characters in the movie, I dive right into it too. Seems like I quite enjoy self-torture, don’t I?

哈哈，我突然发现我这根深蒂固的习气在我静坐时也如实地呈现出来了。很多时候，尽管我已经觉知到自己念头已经跑掉了，没专注在呼吸上，但是，我竟然开始跟觉知谈判起来了。

Haha, I can see that I manifest the same old habit during meditation. Many times, even though my awareness tells me that my mind has wandered off and is no longer watching my breathing, I kind of plead with it and start negotiating.

“等等！让我把话说完……”

“Wait a moment, let me finish off this conversation…”

“哎哟，我这故事还没结束呢……”

“Oh, this story hasn’t ended yet…”

“我正唱得兴起呢……”

“Hey, I’m enjoying myself too much to stop this song…”

以前碰到过一个德士司机，他学佛的，修净土法门。那时候我还没真正开始接触佛法，很想学，但是不知道如何学。那天，他说过的一句话，对我起了很大的作用。他告诉我，记住，什么都不是真的。乍听起来似乎莫名其妙，但是仔细想，是啊，什么都不是真的。那十天的痛苦，如今都已是过眼云烟，我当时怎么那么认真地去痛苦一番呢？这些道理，我并不陌生，但是当境界到来，尽管我努力告诉自己，一切都会过去，一切都是生起而后灭去，不必在意……却依然深陷其中难以自拔。

Once, I was in a taxi, and the driver happened to be a Buddhist, a Pureland practitioner. I hadn’t started learning the Dharma yet. Although I was very keen, I didn’t know where to start. He shared with me the Dharma, and one thing he said in particular left me with a deep impression. He told me to always remember that nothing was real. Initially this might sound ridiculous, but upon deep reflection, you’ll realize how true this is! Nothing is real! The misery I felt during the 10 days is like a fleeting cloud, by now it has already vanished into thin air, why did I bother to be so anguished? This is a reasoning that I am very familiar with, but when the time comes for me to take the test, despite how I keep telling myself that everything will pass, every phenomenon rises and goes away and that there is no need for any emotional reaction… I still find myself so tightly caught in the situation.

因为我根本没有实修。

I have no practical training, that’s why.

所以，我还要再参加闭关。如果不是在那样的环境里，我怎么可能突破自己？甚至连自己内心有那么多的烦躁，我平时都没有机会去好好体会。巨大强烈的我相，似乎也在10天里变得更加显著。我还对于我为什么时不时会暴饮暴食有了另一番见解。正因为我内心总是有许多烦躁，所以吃东西成了我的一种发泄情绪的管道。虽然我天生就嘴馋，哈哈……

Therefore, I will be going for retreats again! Without such an environment, there will be no breakthrough for me. If I wasn’t in the retreat, would I have had the chance to feel so keenly the deeply embedded disgruntlement and vexation within me? And my big ego seemed to have become even more evident in the 10 days. I’ve also made a discovery. Because I have so much frustration inside me, I habitually turn to food to vent the negative emotions. I am very greedy by nature though… hahaha…

很巧，男助理老师也是新加坡人，我们回新加坡的路上，跟他同车了。他说，刚开始做得好的，接下来不一定也做得很好，刚开始做得不好的，接下来也不一定做得不好。对啊，无常嘛。这对我，是莫大的鼓励。

As fate would have it, the male teacher happened to be Singaporean, and on the way back to Singapore, we took the same bus. He commented that those who do well during the first time might not have it easy going the second time, while those who do badly might not be as bad the next. Yeah, impermanence! This was tremendous encouragement to me.

回到新加坡，快要分手之际，我终于向老师道歉了。虽然老师显得并不知情，还是那么慈祥地说，他根本不在意，我还是怀疑，老师一定早就把我看透了。

Back in Singapore, right before parting, I finally apologized to him. He appeared to have been ignorant of everything, and still in his kindly manner told me that it didn’t matter to him at all. Still, I can’t help suspecting that he must have seen through me all along.

如果要我总结，10天的内观怎么样？

So, how was the 10-day Vipassana retreat?

非常辛苦。但是，刻刻值千金！

Tough! But every moment was worth it.

要真正了解自己，要学会释放自己，要掌握快乐的法则的话，去吧。

If you want to understand yourself, if you want to release yourself from misery, if you want to learn the technique of being happy… Go!

中文网页：

http://www.chinese.dhamma.org/sindex.htm

http://www.chinese.dhamma.org/sart.htm

English website:

http://web3.dhamma.org/

http://web3.dhamma.org/en/art.shtml

http://web3.dhamma.org/en/qanda.shtml