内关再思 Vipassana Afterthought

十天闭关，让我深深体会何谓习惯。人果真是习惯的奴隶！

The 10 days of retreat made me realize what the term 'habit' actually means. How we are indeed slaves to our habits.

十天当中，拼命以熟悉的方式摆脱烦恼。吃饭、散步，甚至是平时不常做的开关行李包这样的动作，跟禅修比起来，跟关照自己的内心比起来，对我来说都相对熟悉得多，所以都相对让我感到较为安适。

I had been trying real hard to shake off my frustration by way of clinging on to my old habits. Eating, walking, and even an action such as zipping up my bag which I don't usually do much, all seemed to be more familiar to me compared to meditation, to looking at myself within. So in contrast they made me feel more at ease.

前些天颇为焦虑，告诉自己观察焦虑的自己，观察自己的焦虑，然而自己早已全然沉浸在焦虑当中，该如何客观地观察？因为这样的做法，我还不习惯，所以做起来才那么困难吧。后来我尝试转念，提醒自己，一切都有因有果，是什么就是什么，而且无论发生什么事，观音菩萨长半左右。大概这样的转念方法我比较熟悉吧，似乎马上有些见效。抑或是我还没有勇气面对自己，总想依赖佛菩萨？

I was in a fit of anxiety the other day, and told myself repeatedly to just observe my anxiety, observe the anxious me, but I was already completely immersed in the anxiety itself, how could I be the objective observer? It must be that I've not yet cultivated the habit of observing myself in my negative emotions, so it was such a difficult task. Later I turned to turning my thoughts. I told myself that every phenomenon is merely the law of cause and effect at work, whatever will be will be, and that no matter what happens, Chenrezig is always with me. Perhaps this is a method that I'm more familiar with, it seemed to work somehow. Or perhaps I've yet the courage to face myself, it's so much easier to turn to the Buddhas.

还有一个相当意外的发现。以前，每当我大吃大喝的时候，总是一边吃一边觉得不该，且吃后也懊悔。然而那天处在焦虑当中的我，却在伸手取食之前，清楚看到这样的一个念头：吃了东西我就不再焦虑了……

And I had a pretty surprising discovery. In the past, whenever I had a compulsive eating attack, I would be pushing food into my mouth while telling myself that I shouldn't be doing so, and after the whole episode I would find myself feeling so wretched and sorry. But that day, in the midst of my anxiety, just before I reached out for food, I could see a thought that said, eat dear, and you'll be released from all this misery.

过去，怎么从来没有看到这样的思惟？这样的习惯，就如酗酒的人借酒消愁吧？过去，只知道狂吃时的自己正在有意识地残害自己，却没发现这也是我企图让自己解脱的方式，尽管这是错误的方式。

Why hadn't I ever seen such a thought so clearly before? This form of habit must be akin to that of alcoholics drowning themselves in drinks. I had always known somehow that I was being consciously unkind to myself whenever I couldn't stop eating, but it hadn't occured to me that I was also trying to save myself from unpleasant emotions, even though the method wasn't quite right.

一切都是习惯啊。

It's all habit, isn't it!

所谓修行，其实就是改掉旧的不良的习气，培养新的优良的习气，不是吗？

Put simply, spiritual practice is just the dismantling of old negative habits, and cultivating new positive habits. Isn't it?